Moments
by forgive severus
Summary: Unseen moments from the lives of Lily Evans and Severus Snape. Rated M for mature scenes in later chapters.
1. Summer

This world and these characters belong to JKR of course.

And as soon as the summer started it was back to the good days. Severus longed for these days. Early walks to the beach, long naps under familiar tees, books and books and books. It was as if he needed to endure the year if only to live for these days. He looked over his notebook to see that Lily has fallen asleep curled up in his sweater. She was his home. He thought of reaching out and touching her face, but decided against it, knowing it was just as wonderful to see her so peaceful. He looked back to his notebook. He couldn't help but think of different ways to channel this new magic he was learning about. The distinct power of personal magic. Something more than intention. Put your soul into the magic and the possibilities were endless. Severus noticed that the more he spent time reading about this strange and powerful form of magic, the better he was able to perceive the magic around him. He thought about the progression of how he understood the magic that flowed through his body. When he was much younger and without a wand, it seemed as if magic crackled around him all the time. He could think of doing something, and it seemed much more possible to be able to do that thing. Of course he didn't really understand how to channel his magic back then. When he finally received his wand, it was as if he now needed the wand to use magic. As if the wand were an extension of his hand, and it alone connected to his magic. More recently though he found that he could feel magic start in his mind, with his intentions. He would think of something and it was if he didn't need his wand, as if his body and mind just needed to will the magic to take action. He found that he could do magic he wasn't really invested in with his wand, magic with little intention with his wand. But then, without his want, if he willed himself hard enough, he could do it. He started this theory in the previous weeks while he was still at Hogwarts. He would sit at the Slytherin table in the Great Hall, stare at his plate, focus intently on the idea that he wanted lily to look over at him, and then look up to see if she noticed. She did the first time. She looked intently at Severus, and he smiled. She smiled back and went back to her dinner. At first he was unconvinced, assuming it much have been a coincidence. Then he started trying this only on the days she had her back to him. After the fourth time this happened at dinner she waited for him to leave the table and she followed him out of the hall.

"Sev" she said.

Severus quickly stopped and turned around.

"Did you need to talk to me about something?"

"Umm, no Lily, why do you think that"

She looked hard into his face. "Liar" and she laughed. "I know you're doing something".

"And how do you know that?" he replied with a smile.

"Mmm, I'll tell you later" she finished with a laugh.

And she walked in the opposite direction toward her next class. Severus was so excited. He wondered what she felt. How had she known.

He looked over to the lovely sleeping Lily next to him. He concentrated on getting her attention and her eyes slowly opened.

"Sev?" she mumbled. She blinked twice. "What's up?"

Severus tilted his head. "What do you mean?"

"Didn't you just tap on my shoulder?"

Severus grinned. "I didn't. What did you feel?"

Lily slowly sat up. She stretched her arms over her head and yawned. "Mmm, it felt like you had your hand on my shoulder, like you wanted my attention.." Lily stared at the spot on the ground next to her. Her eyes shot an amused look and she smiled. "This is the thing you kept doing to me at school! At dinner! How did you do it?"

Severus gently smiled at her and took her hand. "It's weird, I just kind of focus on the thought, like I think I want to get your attention, I think of it kind of intensely, and then you look right at me". "That's so strange Sev. Like I felt a touch on my shoulder, but for some reason I knew it was you, as if it was your hand on me".

Severus took the notebook off his lap and stretched his legs out. Lily took this moment to crawl over to him and sit between his legs. He wrapped his arm around her, and used his other to move her hair to one side of her neck, he rested his chin onto her now bare shoulder. She snuggled into him. He breathed in the smell of her. His Lily, sweet, with the smell of the earth on her still. This smell, the summer, the smell that had become home to him, how he longed for the summer to last forever. But for now, he would cherish every day of it, knowing it would be weeks before he would have to think of it ending.

His attention snapped back to the witch in front of him as he felt a snip of pain at his wrist. "Hey!"

Lily started laughing and turned to face him. "So are you going to teach me how to do that then?"

She smiled brightly at him and moved up to place a small kiss on his nose. He put his hand on the side of her head.

"Whatever you want to know, though I'm not sure how good I am at it yet".

"Well just show me won't you"

Severus moved his hands to her waist. He slowly moved his hands under her sweater. He watched as Lily slowly closed her eyes, relaxing into the feel of his hands. He took advantage of her unguarded moment and started tickling her. Lily jumped up and started laughing as Severus followed his hands which now had a mission of their own. Severus tickled her until her adorable face was as red as her hair. He finally stopped once she was pinned under him. He moved her now mussed hair out of her face.

She narrowed her eyes at him, "you're mean".

He smiled down at her. "No, I just like hearing your cute little laugh - oh and I liked getting punched by you."

He peppered her face in kisses. She laughed and pushed his chest up to put distance between them.

"Fine, but for future reference, I'll happily punch you anytime".

She flashed a full smile at him. His chest fluttered with happiness. He slowly stood up and dusted the dirt off his pants with one hand, holding out the other to her. She took his hand and stood up, lacing her fingers through his.

He spent the rest of the afternoon explaining the strange bit of magic to her and she practiced it on him. By her second try Lily had managed to get Severus' attention. Severus noticed that when Lily concentrated on him, he could feel her hand on his chest, right over his heart. He debated telling her this, but thought it might be better to mention it later. He wasn't sure how he felt about her feeling his hand on her shoulder, while he could feel her over his heart. He wondered if it meant anything.

They spent the rest of the day walking around the lake hand in hand. Eventually as she always did Lily threw off her sweater and jeans and jumped into the water.

"Sev, get in here".

Severus hesitated. He knew he would end up in the water anyways, but he always felt self-conscious taking his clothes off. He knew she had seen him in this very lake several times, but he couldn't help how awkward he felt. Lily had grown into a beautiful girl. She had a slim but soft body, peppered in adorable little freckles. Severus could spend hours, days, years, counting and recounting them. She had a beautiful tan from the days earlier running around in the sun. Her hair lighter and her freckles darker. He couldn't help but feel awkward as he pulled off his sweater. Though he was thin, he was still pale as ever. He knew his recent growth spurt had made him look thinner. Standing in his swim shorts, Severus walked over the edge of the lake. Lily swam toward him and then walked over to him as the water shallowed. Already drenched she ran over and jumped onto him. His arms automatically ready to catch her, as her legs wrapped around his waist and settled onto his hips. Her cold body making goosebumps appear where she was touching him.

"Let's go in now!" she commanded as Severus walked carrying her into the water.

He couldn't help but forget all his insecurities when she was so close to him. She never seemed to mind that he was too thin, or too angular. When he was chest deep in water she released her arms from his neck, using his chest to launch her feet off of as she broke into a back stroke away from him. He dived into the water after her. It took a moment to get used to looking into the water. He could see her long legs gracefully swimming away from him. He followed her. Her long red hair clearly visible in the water. He noticed how natural it felt to follow her. It always did. He would follow her anywhere. She stopped swimming forward coming up for air, treading in place. He swam up to her.

"oh look" she said, "it's like we're in a movie"

She looked exactly like that. Her hair perfectly wet down her back. Her green eyes reflecting the water. She put her hand on his face staring into his clear black eyes.

"You have the most handsome face Sev."

She laughed as she wrapped her legs around his waist, and gripped his shoulders.

"You make me want to be in a fancy romantic movie. Play the part for me, will you".

Wrapping his arms firmly around her, he moved his lips to her, kissing her hard. Slowing moving one hand up her back, feeling her soft skin. He tangled his fingers into her hair. He kissed her deeper, and she sighed into his mouth. They stayed that way for a few moments. Both excited and content. He felt her shiver and he slowly broke apart the kiss. She rested her forehead on his. She always felt so safe in his arms.

"I think it's time to swim back, I'm freezing".

She untangled herself from him, and started to swim back to the shore. He followed her naturally. As they approached the shore they walked out of the shallow water, the heat of the afternoon sun drying their skin immediately. Severus stood back and stretched out his arms, tilting his head up to the sun. How he wished the sun would bring even a little colour to his skin. He ran his fingers through his damp hair. He felt wispy fingers on his flat stomach. Lily's fingers danced up his stomach onto his chest. She lay her hands flat on his chest and moved them up behind his neck. Her body pressed into his. Somehow standing outside with so little on and so close to her made him nervous. It didn't matter that only minutes ago, he was much closer and more intimately connected to her, it was as if the water kept his thoughts from getting out of hand. But out here where her skin was warm, and her hair damp and cool brushing against his neck, his thoughts were racing and his heart beat sped up. He looked down into her face. She kissed him lightly and stepped back.

"Let's go get our stuff…are your parents' home Sev?" Severus followed her, taking her hand.

"No, they won't be home till 10. It's so depressing there Lil."

Though Lily had been to Severus's house several times before, Severus was still embarrassed by it. "Aw, but it won't be depressing with me there to cheer you up!"

Severus smiled. She was right. She had never made him feel embarrassed or sad about his house. She was always polite to his parents, even his father didn't mind if Lily was there. They walked back to the tree that they had kept their things next to and packed up. Lily put Severus's sweater back on and undid her bathing suit top from underneath it. Severus felt himself get nervous. He consciously made sure not to look beneath her chin. She put the small bit of fabric into her backpack and threw it over her shoulder. She smiled up at him and grabbed his hand, dragging him back toward their street. Severus noticed as his mood shifted. There was nothing nice about living in Spinners End. Though he loved the summer, having to walk back to his house always made him solemn. Summer was Lily; bright, and lively, and warm. This street though, both he and Lily lived on this street, neither house made him happy. He knew he belonged with Lily, but both of their houses reminded him of how much neither of their lives complemented one another. His family so unhappy and resentful, and hers, weary of magic, and weary of him. He was grateful though. His mother worked until the evening, and his father always made it home as late as possible. They could have spent all day in his house if they wanted to, Lily wouldn't have minded. But Severus wanted to bring Lily to places that complimented her, sunny and warm and pure. They walked through the front door. The inside of Severus's house looked as though someone has put great detail into decorating it and then left it to age for fifty years. The surfaces were all clean and tidy. Everything was dated. Lily walked inside and immediately into the kitchen, opening the fridge and looking for something to eat. Severus smiled. He loved the way she could warm up any place she was in. Looking at Lily busying herself in the kitchen he could picture a future for them, even in this dull little house. He threw that image to the back of his mind, He would buy them a proper house, one with blues and greens, and the warmth of the sun.

He walked into the kitchen as she handed him a cookie. She smiled at him with a mouthful of cookie. He jumped over to her, kissing her cookie-filled mouth as she started to laugh. He stepped back and grabbed the cookie packet, taking her hand with his other, he lead them to the basement. Severus flicked the light switch on as Lily walked over to the couch and made herself comfortable.

"sev?"

"hmm?"

"the cookies?"

He tossed the packed to her, and walked over to her and settled down beside her. Severus couldn't help how much he loved everything about her. How he would never think to watch tv when his father did, but he loved the muggle device when Lily wanted to watch something. He imagined he wouldn't so much mind being a muggle if they both were.

Looking over at her, relaxed and leaning into him, Severus forgot that he told himself not to look below her neck. Suddenly he was nervous again. He knew they had never talked about it, but he couldn't remember when the lines of their friendship had blurred into something more. She was his first kiss, well the only one he had ever kissed. But at some point during the last year the lined had blurred more than it ever had before. He knew he had been in love with her forever, but the tension he felt, this was new. And he found himself nervous so much more often than not. Lily would kiss him often, passionately. And he would kiss her back. He would kiss her playfully, softly, sadly, and it never felt wrong. And still he couldn't help the nervousness. In the last year when they had been kissing, he found his mind racing to other thoughts quite quickly. Leaving him feeling flustered. His hands wanted to go places they never had before. We wanted to see, and feel every part of her. And though he had never felt the need to hide anything from her before, for some reason he couldn't bring himself to tell her about this. He did notice though, that though Lily was always relaxed, she too had been acting differently around him. sometimes after kissing for a bit, she would blush heavily and he would notice that her hands would hesitate. He wondered if she was as nervous as he was. He reminded himself to look at her face, and not any lower.

"Sev?"

"hmm?"

Severus looked away from the movie playing on the television and turned to Lily.

"Will you lend me something else to wear, this is starting to get uncomfortable"

He realized that she was probably still wearing her bathing suit bottoms under her jeans.

"yeah of course, sorry I didn't think of that"

She leaned over and touched his face. Looking into his dark obsidian eyes, she kissed him. At first, lightly, and then passionately. As quickly as the kiss started, it stopped. Severus felt himself get nervous again. He stood up and walked up the stairs, passing the kitchen and up the next set of stairs to his bedroom. He grabbed a pair of clean boxers, and some flannel pajama bottoms. Figuring he would probably be more comfortable in shorts that he didn't go swimming in, Severus changed his clothes as well. He walked downstairs, and handed her the boxers and flannel plants. She smiled up at him and grabbed them.

"Thank you".

She got up and walked into the bathroom, returning wearing his sweater and only the boxers.

"I'll probably be too warm in those".

He noticed her legs. Tan and perfectly freckled. Long and lean. Her small delicate looking feet, perfectly painted a rosy pink. Severus gave her a hard look and jumped up. He picked her up around the waist and threw her onto the couch pinning her underneath him.

"You. Are. So. Cute." She laughed breathlessly. Sev could go from romantic to silly in half a second.

Taking her face in his hands he kissed her face, from her forehead to her chin, kissing the tip of her nose several times, before kissing her mouth. He kissed her softly and looked into her green eyes. His thumb lightly stroking the side of her face. He noticed a tension in the room. He was suddenly aware of her body pressed into his. Her hips pressed into his stomach, her breasts pressed into his chest. Without thinking his hand moved him her face down her neck. His fingertips trailing the side of her body. His thumb stroked her breast over her sweater. He heard her breathing quicken. His hands moved down her body till it reached the edge of the long sweater. His hand moved underneath the edge of the sweater feeling the soft skin of her flat stomach. He continued to slowly move his hand up her bare skin. Lily's fingers threaded through his soft hair. She pulled his mouth to her, slipped her tongue into his mouth. The slow kiss becoming more passionate by the second. She moved her body against his. She felt a hardness between his legs, and heard him moan into her mouth. Severus stopped moving. He moved his face from her, a deep blush covering his cheeks. Feeling flustered Severus sat up. After a few moments he relaxed and leaned his back into the couch. Lily was nervous. Her thoughts about Severus lately had made her blush. She was in love with him, but lately she was constantly nervous around him. She could remember the days when she could be entirely relaxed around him, but these days she had thoughts about where she should put her hands, and whether or not he thought about her when he was alone. She knew Severus was shy. She knew he would care more about her than himself, and this applied especially when the two of them were together. Severus wouldn't do anything to make her uncomfortable, which is why she knew that she needed to make the first move. She knew she wanted her body to be close to him, closer than she had been to anyone. She stood up and walked over to him. She decided she would be brave, for both of them. Putting her hand on his shoulder she lowered herself onto his lap, one knee on other side of him, her bum on his thighs. She could feel Sev get nervous beneath her. She looked into his face fiercely, and proceeded to kiss him. His hands reached her back, and slowly moved in circles feeling her over her sweater. One hand moved down to her waist, and then hesitated. Lily kissed him hard, her fingers in his hair. She felt his hand go over her bum, and the hardness between his legs press into her clothed center. It suddenly came into Severus's mind that Lily had nothing on beneath his sweater and boxers. She ground her hips into him, and without thinking a loud thought entered his mind - _you don't deserve her_. Severus felt his forehead crease. Lily kissed him harder and suddenly his thoughts were lost and he found his hips moving against hers. The sound of keys in the lock echoed down the staircase. Severus and Lily both froze. She looked into his face and giggled and she climbed off of him, her eyes lingering on his erection through his pants. He shifted slightly to hide it, an obvious blush on his face. He ran a hand over his face to hide an awkward laugh. Lily stood up and slipped her jeans over Severus' boxers. They hadn't realized that it was past ten.

"I'll walk you home."

Severus stood up, he gently took hold of her hand and led her up the staircase.

Mrs. Snape was sitting in an armchair staring out the living room window. She looked up to see her son and the sweet girl from down the street.

"Lily dear, I didn't think you'd still be here. Your mum might be worried."

Mrs. Snape smiled at Lily, and Lily returned the smile. She noticed her son holding Lily's hand. Severus noticed his mother's eyes fall to their joined hands and quickly let go of Lily's hand. Mrs. Snape watched the interaction with curious eyes. Lily looked to Severus out of the corner of her eyes and blushed. She noticed that her son looked both nervous and happy.

"I was just going to walk her home now mum, I'll be back in a bit".

Mrs. Snape nodded, "Take care Lily, come 'round during the weekend, will you?"

Lily beamed at Mrs. Snape. "I will. Good night Mrs. Snape."

Mrs. Snape turned her head toward the window again. Severus walked to the door and picked up Lily's backpack as she put on her sandals. Closing the door behind her, she took Severus' hand as they walked down the street.

"Your mum always seems friendly before your dad gets home".

Severus looked straight ahead, not knowing what to say to that. He knew his father made his mother miserable, he found it strange how Lilly seemed to notice everything. Both of his parents liked Lily. His father found it easy to talk to Lily, as her family were muggles, and they had many muggle things to chat about. His mother was fond of Lily, often asking her about Hogwarts, and her favorite subjects. Lily always wondered how Sev's parents could be so kind to her, but never to one another. She also knew how harsh his father was with him, and she felt guilty about the ease with which both of his parents interacted with her. She knew Severus didn't particularly like his father, and that he loved his mother. Severus never specifically said it, but by the way Severus acted around them, she had the sense that his father might have been particularly nasty toward them because they used magic. She knew Severus had felt like he needed to protect his mother for most of his life.

After a few moments of silence Severus said, "She was probably friendly because you were around, she likes you", he smiled at her.

Lily tightened her grip on Severus' hand, hoping it could convey what she felt.

"Will your mum be upset? I didn't even notice that it was dark".

" She won't be mad, she trusts you. Petunia will bratty about it."

"I'm sorry Lily".

Lily kissed his cheek. Severus had a way of blaming himself for everything. The truth was, she could have gone home ages ago and Petunia would have still made some snarky comment about Severus. She knew things between Petunia and Sev weren't great in the beginning, but it had been years, and Petunia refused to accept Severus, or anything magical Lily talked about. Lily still felt guilty about being the only witch in their family. She remembered how much Petunia had wanted to go with her to Hogwarts. Lily's family wasn't terrible wealthy, but they definitely were not lacking for anything. Petunia being the spoiled one between the two of them, forever held a grudge that there was something that Lily could have that she never would. Lily loved her sister dearly, but lately, she was finding it hard to see Petunia's softness. Her sister was becoming an adult, and Lily was realizing that she was becoming an adult that she might never really know. It was even harder in the last few years, when Petunia would call Severus rude things to his face. Since starting at Hogwarts Severus had always been polite with Petunia. Before he started school he could barely stand to be around her, never bothering with politeness. After starting school though, Severus noticed how sad Lily was without her sister. He soon realized being friends with Lily required some form of a relationship with Petunia. He was certain he would not get in the way of their relationship. It did come as a surprise to him that Petunia seemed to prefer not having Lily around. Lily would never admit it, but it broke her heart. Severus held her hand when she talked about the things Petunia would say, he never said anything bad about her, but gave her the space she needed to share her sadness.

They finally arrived at Lily's house. Lily turned to look at Severus. She pulled both of his hands toward her. She was swaying back and forth with their hands joined together. Severus couldn't help but notice how adorable she was. Long wavy hair lightly tussled and blowing behind her. Wearing Severus's much too long sweater with the sleeves rolled up.

"I'll see you tomorrow Sev?"

He smiled and brought one hand up to his lips and kissed it.

"Anything you want."

Lily looked down, still swaying, a soft smile on her lips. She looked up at him, bit her lip, and let go of his hands. She walked toward her house. Severus stood still and watched as she walked into her house and closed the door behind her. Severus turned around and walked home, happily replaying the day's events through his head.


	2. Do we talk about it?

"How is it that you know how to come up with spells?"

Severus opened his eyes and looked up into the face of Lily Evans. Her long hair flowing down and touching his face.

"Hmmm, what do you mean?"

Lily furrowed her eyebrows. "Don't lie to me Sev, I went through your notebook. You came up with levicorpus".

Lily sat back with her arms crossed, waiting with a demanding look on her face.

"I thought you hated that spell".

Severus rubbed his hands over his eyes and sat up.

He looked at Lily and sighed. "well, you would hate it too if a bunch of idiots flipped you upside down in front of our whole class".

"yes well, what did you think would happen if you came up with something like that?"

Lily was obviously cross, still stung from what he had called her that day so many weeks ago.

"Lily, you know Potter and Black. If it wasn't Levicorpus, it would have been something else."

Lily looked thoughtfully at Severus. She knew this animosity between the four Gryffindors, well mostly James and Sirius, and Severus was as violent and ridiculous as ever. She really did feel that she was on Sev's side. After all, the Gryffindor boys had a habit of going to Sev when he was all alone, four on one. She did notice however, that Sev seemed to know some rather nasty spells. Sometimes she was grateful though. With four against one, she could understand why he might need them. But this last year things had been different. Sure, the four boys had caught Sev on his own that one time, but mostly Sev had been hanging around with Mulciber and Avery. Though she couldn't sense anything that different about Sev, she did have to question if something had changed. Mulciber and Avery had played a horrifying "prank" on Mary that year, and she couldn't believe that Sev wanted to be friends with them. He did call her a _mudblood_ though. And this was the most perplexing part for Lily. She felt she hated him when it happened.

She had convinced herself that she was never going to speak to him again. Since when did Sev even care about blood status? He was the one that told her that it didn't matter. Something was happening with him and she couldn't tell what it was. She remembered that night after Severus threatened to sleep outside of the Gryffindor common room, she had a surprising conversation with Sirius Black. Feeling defeated she walked back into the common room. She contemplated going upstairs but figured she would be pestered with questions from her roommates, so she decided to wait until everyone was asleep before she headed back upstairs.

Sitting on a sofa in front of the fire place, Lilly tried hard not to cry. Sev was her best friend. Sev was her boyfriend? They hadn't talked about it. They had kissed a few times. Holding hands was suddenly preferable to not. But how could he call her that? Her eyes burned as she forced back her tears. She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to find Sirius standing behind her, an understanding look on his face. He sat down next to her, keeping a bit of distance between them.

"He's an arse."

Lily looked up into his face, staring into his worried grey eyes.

"You don't understand. He's not …he's not _bad._ "

"I know."

Lily's expression shifted from sad to confused.

"Look Lily, I know we're not the greatest of friends, but you know I care about you. And I'm telling you, sure he's acting like an arse, but he's probably not a complete arse". Sirius sighed and continued. "My family is a bunch of blood supremacist fanatics. I hate the lot of 'em, and I would't willingly spend any time with 'em. I have James and Remus and Peter, and sometimes you when I'm not pissing off your boyfriend. But the thing is…he's like my brother Reg. Like Reg wasn't so bad when we were at home together. I could tell him our family was nuts, and he'd understand. But then I left him for school and he was stuck with them alone. And …I dunno. I think if you're stuck with people like that for long enough, you can't help but start to believe that stuff. And it's pretty obvious to all of us that Snivelus loves you. But he's into dark magic. You know the kind you use…the kind that gets stronger when you hate something. I think all of his git friends call people mudbloods and such. I wouldn't be surprised actually if they bullied him for being friends with you."

Lily looked at Sirius. For the first time she considered what he was saying. Were the Slytherins as bad as he was saying? Was Sev stuck with people who genuinely thought this way? Lily furrowed her brows.

"But if he really loved me, why would he call me …that?" her voice trailed off, barely speaking the last word as tears started rolling down her cheeks.

Sirius took her hand. "Maybe he is changed forever….or maybe James really fucked him up today, and he didn't realize what he was saying. Maybe he hears stuff like that so much, he doesn't even know he thinks it. I'm not trying to defend him at all. I'm just trying to explain that..Well I guess I just want you to know, that I know he loves you. And maybe he's changed forever, or maybe it's the people he's around. I really don't care for the arse, but he's been your friend for so long, that must say something good about him."

Lily unable to hold back, sobbed into Sirius's chest, his arms wrapping protectively around her. They stayed that way until she had no more tears to shed. As she walked her way up the girl's dormitory staircase, the idea of never talking to Sev again just didn't''t make sense to her anymore. She collapsed on her bed, falling asleep with a strained feeling in her chest.

"Lily?" Her eyes snapped back to Severus.

"I'm just so confused Sev, why do you know all of these dark spells?"

Severus considered her question. "Well I guess, that one could be considered dark. But I don't know, like the spells I've come up with, they're like the wandless magic thing I taught you. It's not that they're dark necessarily…It's more like, you have to use your feelings to really make the spell work. Okay, look, this isn't a spell, but it's using the same magic".

Severus took his hand and laced it with Lily's. He concentrated hard on something, and he could feel the reaction in Lily. Her heart was beating faster, he could feel her palms getting sweaty.

"What did you feel?"

He looked up to see that Lily was blushing and averting her eyes from him.

"I…I saw us at the beach, in the lake, you were looking at me, and I could feel your heart beating…and I could _feel_ your love for me".

Severus smiled at her, "See, that wasn't dark, but it was the same kind of magic, it was fueled by my intentions, by my feelings".

"I guess you're right, _that_ certainly didn't feel dark…but so many of them are fowl. And your friends Sev, your friends are fowl."

This was uncharted territory for the two. It was an unspoken agreement between them never to discuss their friends. And it had never happened before now. They never really talked about it, but being sorted into rival houses changed everything for them. It was as if they had different lives during the year at Hogwarts, and then they'd return to their familiar happy lives in the summer. Though this is how Severus felt, he couldn't help but think that Lily was fairly happy at Hogwarts without him. She had good friends, she did well in school, she was still _Lily_ at Hogwarts. While Severus was a good student, and had decent friends, he wasn't himself at Hogwarts, not the way he could be with Lily. And this terrified him. He wondered sometimes what would happen if she didn't want him anymore. He was scared to death the night he foolishly called her that name, when he thought he has really lost her. He knew he wouldn't make it without her, but somehow he knew, that she would be fine without him.

He stared hard at her, "Potter and Black are pretty fowl".

Lily narrowed her eyes at him, "Potter is not my friend. And Black is pretty alright when he's not being a git. Sev, honestly, I think you would even like Remus if you knew him".

Images of the werewolf came to Severus' mind, and he quickly pushed them away.

"Lily, I don't want to talk about this anymore. We'll never have the same friends at school. And right now it doesn't matter does it? We're not at school. We're here by this beautiful lake. And I want to kiss you. And I want to go swimming."

Though Lily started the conversation, she quickly realized that she didn't really want to talk about it. It was too much. And for some reason, she was certain that if they really did have this conversation, nothing would ever be the same. Lily stood up and stretched her arms over her head, her shirt rising leaving her midriff exposed. Severus kneeled in front of her, pulling down the side of her jean shorts to reveal a slightly freckled hip. He kissed her hip as she took off her light t-shirt to get to her forest green swim top. He undid the button on her shorts and pulled them down her long legs. She laughed and kicked them off. She sat down in Severus' lap. Severus ran his hands up and down her bare back. She shivered in response, moving her hands to pull off his t-shirt. She could feel his erection between her legs. He ran his hands up and down her long shapely legs. He realized if they didn't get up to go swim immediately, they might not make it to the lake.

"Lily?"

"mmm?"

"Let's get into the water, yeah?"

"mm okay, but you have to carry me"

Severus laughed and stood up, holding her with one arm under her knees and the other around her back, Lily's arms safely fastened around his neck. He walked them into the water where Lily escaped him. They swam for hours, letting the lake take away their worries. They were kids again, spending all day reveling in each other's company. Laughing, playing, loving. Afternoons like this would play in his mind, for the rest of his life.


	3. A lake, a cake

Severus couldn't sleep. Resigning himself to the idea that this would be another working night, he put on a t-shirt and grabbed his notebook from underneath his bed. He wasn't sure why he had been working on this list of spells, but he knew it came easily to him. He hadn't tried any of them, but for some reason he was sure they would work. His mind wandering to an old conversation that he had played and replayed in his head.

"There's something wrong with him" his father spat accusingly to his mother, contempt in his voice.

There was less than a foot of space between them. Severus had been hiding in the doorway. He was eight years old and had already learned how to roam around the house entirely unnoticed. His mother looked into his father's face defeated.

"I..I don't think there's anything wrong with him. He's just a shy boy."

Severus knew this wasn't the answer his father was looking for.

"There's something dark, and, dirty, and twisted about him Eileen. It's something to do with magic. He doesn't smile. What kind of kid doesn't smile?" His voice growing louder.

His mother seemed to shrink. "..he does. You just, you just haven't seen him. …maybe if you were gentler with him Tobias".

Severus definitely knew she had said the wrong thing. This was certainly not the answer he was looking for.

His father stepped closer using his right hand to forcefully grab his mother's hair. "So this is my fault now, is it? I knew getting involved with you wasn't a good idea. You're weak, at least your magic isn't special. Him though, he's dark. Something evil about him. You're lucky he's being sent away soon, or else I'd be done with the both of you". He spat the remaining words at her.

Eileen scrunched up her face desperately trying not to let the spit touch her. He shoved her against the fridge, the side of her head awkwardly hitting the corner of the fridge. His father stalked off into the living room and down the stairs into the basement. When he could hear the loud sound of television commercials coming from the basement Severus walked into the room and sat down beside his mother. She sat crumpled next to the fridge. She looked into his face, her expression forlorn. Severus didn't know what to do.

"I'm sorry mum".

His mother looked at him, she didn't know how much of the interaction he had seen. It wasn't his fault of course, but Eileen didn't know what to do. She had never been cared for, and now she didn't know what to do for her son.

"It's no matter, this wasn't your fault." She smiled gently at Severus.

Severus didn't understand the feelings inside him. It was his fault, but when his mother spoke to him, he desperately wanted to believe her. How could he change? He didn't know what he had done wrong. Guilt was bubbling in his chest and before he could stop them tears were falling into his lap. He couldn't look into his mother's face. He heard her stand up, and felt her bony hand grad his arm and pull him to his feet.

"It's better if you don't stay at home today Severus. Why don't you go and see if Lily wants to play?" She lead him to the front door, kneeled down in front of him and rubbed the tears from his face. Severus couldn't get himself to look at her face. She placed a kiss on the top of his head, and leaned over and opened the front door. He turned around and walked outside, the door closed and clicked behind him locking.

Coming back to his notebook, he looked over all of the spells on them. What would it be like, to use one. His thoughts immediately going to his father. Would it feel good? He longed to do something to hurt his father. He was a wizard after all. He surely could do something. He pictured picking a fight with his father. His father was tall and broad and muscular and tan. He seemed only to get his height from him. The rest of him was like his mother. Thin and swallow and angular. He would never win in a muggle fight with his father. But magic, magic would change everything. He looked down the list again, knowing what each spell would do if he could use it on his father, he felt a need deep inside his chest, like something in him would feel lighter if he could just use some of these on him. Slowly he shifted his thoughts back to the list. He knew Mulciber would be dying to get his hands on this list, but he knew it wasn't ready. He hadn't been able to come up the the counter curses, and for some the healing charms needed for them. He felt uneasy about the list. It was so easy for him to come up with them, it felt natural. And yet, he hadn't used them. He knew though, that if he shared this list with Avery or Mulciber, or even Wilkes, it would be mere days before they would. The thought made him shudder. He closed his notebook and went back to bed, pulling up his comforters. He wondered what it would be like to be talented at something less strange, like Lily. What would it be like to be at good at potions as she was.

His thoughts trailed back to Lily. He remembered walking to her house after his mother sent him outside. He grew nervous as the house approached. What if Petunia was there? She would be sure to make fun of his clothes. He didn't know if he could take it. Lily was always sweet to him, but the idea of having to hide his feelings of guilt and sadness overwhelmed him. He decided to turn around and go somewhere else. He started off in the direction of the woods by her house.

A few minutes later he heard hurried footsteps behind him, and her voice "SEV! Wait up!"

He turned around to see Lily running toward him wearing white shorts with little pink flowers on them and a green t-shirt.

"Where are you going?" she stopped in front of him.

He looked at his feet. "I don't really know".

Lily looked curiously at him. "I saw you walking to my house, and then you turned and walked away. I was going to follow you but I had to ask my mum first. Why don't you come back to my house, my mum bought an ice cream cake!"

Severus felt awkward and continued to look at his feet. "I um..I don't think I can"

Severus heard his own voice come out sounding strange. If she wasn't suspicious of him before, she would be now.

"Sev, Sev what's wrong?"

Severus couldn't bear it. He knew if he said anything else he wouldn't be able to stop the tears from coming down. He turned around and continued to walk into the woods. Lily followed him. After a minute or two she was walking next to him, she took his hand in hers. They walked that way hand in hand for a long while. After what appeared to be about half an hour they could hear the sound of water. This sounded different than the dirty river on the other side of Snape's street. Lily squeezed his hand and started walking quicker. They saw the glistening water of a lake up ahead. Severus looked at Lily's face for the first time, she had broken into a big smile.

She turned and looked at him, "Sev it's beautiful. It must be a lake I suppose."

She didn't say anything about Severus' red rimmed eyes or blotchy cheeks. She merely guided him down to the lake. To a distance they could see many big houses, certainly bigger and richer than either Sev's or Lily's. There were several big leafy green trees scattered about. Each looking like they were made for hot summer days. It looked like a dream compared to where Severus lived. Walking around the lake with Lily, Severus felt the pain in his chest subside. Lily always knew how to cheer him up. Lily could make him laugh in a second. It was as though she knew he needed to laugh, that her laughter healed him.

The sun was setting against the beautiful lake. "We better head back now if we want get home before dark."

Severus agreed and reluctantly followed her. The walk back to Lily's street was peaceful. As they got closer to her house Severus could see Petunia sitting on the steps in front of her house. Petunia got up and and went inside as soon as she saw them. Lily's mother stepped outside not a moment later.

"There you are my dear, I thought you two would have come back sooner for ice cream cake".

She smiled down and Lily and then at Severus. Lily's mother was beautiful. She had Lily's brilliant green eyes, and long blonde hair. Her face was warm and friendly. She had a few freckles on her face, but certainly not as many as Lily. Those she got from her father. Severus suddenly felt very guilty. He didn't realize he had kept Lily away from the ice cream cake. How many people's day had he ruined today?

Mrs. Evans noticing the guilty look on Severus face, crouched down and said, "Not a matter though honey, we still have lots." And she put a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

Knowing Petunia had a knack for saying rather nasty things to Severus, Mrs. Evans stepped inside and returned shortly with two small bowls with cake inside. Handing them off to the two children, she noticed how Severus always hesitated to take things from them.

"Go on" she said and she shooed them off.

Mrs. Evans had always been nice to Severus. Lily had told her mother that Severus could do magic like she could. Severus had always seemed like an odd child to her. The way children were odd sometimes when they weren't well cared for. She loved her daughter's ability to see past these things. Lily was so freely loving. Mrs. Evans was so proud of her strength of character, even at eleven years old. She watched as the two children walked over and sat on the lawn, Lily immediately digging into hers, and Severus slowly eating his, savoring it. Mrs. Evans knew of Severus' parents. They were from the poorer part of the neighborhood. His mother always polite when she would run into her at the grocery store. Her cart always containing less food than Mrs. Evans imagined three people could eat, vastly different than the one she had, that contained so many extra things. Severus seemed so much like his mother, she thought. She had seen his father a few times around town, a proud sort of fellow. He hung around bars quite often she heard. The kind of man who would be proud to be in a bar fight. She wondered how good of a father he was. After watching the kids for a few moments she turned around and walked into the house.

Severus ate his ice cream cake slowly. The cold ice cream felt odd in his stomach. The first bite even painful. He realized he had not yet eaten that day. He ate his ice cream slowly. Lily seemed to always have these kinds of things at her house. He thought it fit her personality. There were rarely sweets at his house. He never felt like eating when he was at home. At the dinner table his father ate so much, shoveling food into his mouth, while his mother would sit, with a plate with about a quarter of the amount his father had, slowly picking at it. Severus would always eat what was on his plate, he never felt full, and he noticed that when he didn't eat, he never felt empty either. It was different at Lily's house though, she would always happily share her snacks, he always felt warm and happy when they ate together. He wondered if we would always just feel warm and happy when he was with her.


	4. Birthdays

Lily was never one for big birthday parties. Every birthday she had had been small and at home with her family, as well as Severus, occasionally some of the other neighborhood kids and petunia's friends would join. Severus and her were only born 21 days apart. When she first met Severus she had asked him about his birthday, if he was going to have a party. Severus told her he'd never had a party before. His mother would usually make him a birthday cake. She would always ask him what he wanted for his birthday, and he knew even as a child not to ask for anything costly. Lily hated that her birthday was in the winter. She thought she and Severus were much more summer people, and it had been a big practical joke to celebrate in the winter. On Lily's first birthday after she met Sev, she insisted to her mother that Sev celebrate with her, knowing he'd never had a party before. Mrs. Evans prepared a cake, and wrote "Happy Birthday Lily & Severus" on top in sky blue frosting. Lily had been so pleased. Once they started at Hogwarts they wouldn't be able to celebrate together so they would both have a joint early birthday during the Christmas holidays. Severus always felt a bit odd about sharing a celebration with Lily. She always had so many more people who liked her and would celebrate with her. Severus only really had her. The small gathering would always be in Lily's house. Severus would walk with his mum, down the street to Lily's house. Mrs. Evans always opened the door with a big smile and welcomed them inside. Lily's house was beautiful and well kept. There were pictures on the wall of the family, and paintings of beautiful outdoor sceneries. The house was full of love, you could feel it just by walking inside. Mrs. Snape took off her long dark jacket and Mr. Evans gently took it from her with a smile. The Evans had always been kind to Eileen Snape, and she was entirely grateful. She would forever be grateful that Severus had one true friend in this world, a luxury she herself had not had in a long time. Lily would find Severus and drag him into the party, within a minute or two, Severus would be wearing a party hat to match Lily's. Eileen was so happy Severus would have these memories. She couldn't imagine that she could do these things for Severus on her own. Eileen would thank Mrs. Evans for letting Severus be a apart of this celebration. Mrs. Evans knew that Eileen was so grateful, knowing she would never be able to afford this kind of extravagance, and knowing just how important it was Severus.

"Oh don't thank me Eileen" she would say, handing her a cup of tea, the two women standing in the kitchen, watching the children run around, kicking around balloons the tops of their heads brushing colourful streamers. "It wouldn't be a celebration without Severus, Lily would never allow it".

Mrs. Evans big beautiful smile was infectious; it was in these moments were Eileen felt truly happy. The proof of her son being cared for, the proof of his own happiness. She wasn't able to give him the childhood he deserved, but some how he managed to find one, somehow he managed to belong.

Lily couldn't believe she would be turning 18 at the end of the month. This would be her first birthday party that her school friends would come to. This would be her first birthday without Severus. She felt a deep sense of longing when she thought about Severus. She couldn't understand what was happening between them. It was blatantly obvious in the wizarding world that there was a war going on. And long before she really understood it, she knew that she and Severus would be on different sides. She could barely think about these things without her head hurting.

"Lily, sweetheart, did you find your new dress? I hung it in the downstairs closet."

Her mother walked into the bedroom, her long blonde hair tied into a neat knot behind her head. She walked over and put her arm around Lily's shoulders.

"I cannot believe my little Lily will be 18 this year."

They faced the mirror in Lily's room. Both women were so alike. The same beautiful emerald eyes, and freckled noses. Lily's long hair was neatly curled and hung down to her lower back. Mrs. Evans looked into her daughters face, she noticed how serious she had become. It was as if she left for school in September, so young and full of youthful hopefulness, and returned for Christmas, an adult.

"What time will Severus be here?"

Lily turned away from her mother. "Sev isn't coming….he doesn't really get along with my friends".

Mrs. Evans wasn't entirely surprised with the information. She knew the summer had been hard on both Lily and Severus, but she wasn't sure of the details. She was hoping though that things might have changed during the school year. Early in October Mrs. Evans had found out that Eileen Snape had passed away. She was entirely worried about poor Severus. She knew he would be devastated. It was even harder to hear that whatever what happened between Severus and her daughter had not been fixed.

"Are you sure though sweetheart? He might not mind. It might be a bit of a lonely Christmas for him, without his mum."

Mrs. Evans watched her daughters form droop. She knew Eileen dying had been hard for Lily. She had spent so much time at the Snape's house, she was sure Lily was grieving too. Lily turned around tears running down her face, her mother stepped forward and pulled her into a hug. After a few moment's Lily stepped away from her mum and dried her eyes.

"I could go and get him mum, but I know he wouldn't come, everything's changed now."

Mrs. Evans couldn't help but notice the seriousness in her daughter's voice.

An hour later guests had started arriving. Many of them friends of Petunia's and a whole bunch of Lily's friends that The Evans had never met before. Lily introduced her mum and dad to two lovely girls, Mary and Marlene, they were familiar with letters from these two arriving during the summer for Lily. A group of four boys arrived together. There was a handsome boy with olive skin and dark messy hair and glasses, he looked particularly nervous. Beside him an extremely handsome boy with long dark hair who seemed to be very amused by the other boy's nervousness. Behind them a very tall boy, with a kind face with long scars scattering his skin. And finally a shorter boy a bit rounder than his friends, who seemed shy but kind. Mrs. Evans noticed her daughter blush lightly when she made eye contact with the boy with glasses. Each boy carried a parcel covered in wrapping paper. After being introduced to them she and Mr. Evans left the children, or she supposed young adults to their party. She knew there would likely be drinking. How quickly it seemed that her daughter grew up. It seemed only yesterday that Lily would demand that she needed to bring a packet of crisps to Severus' house because she eaten them all the day before. And now it seemed her life was entirely independent of him.

An hour or too later Mrs. Evans went downstairs with the camera, remembering that Lily would forget to take pictures even though pictures were her favorite. She stood by the living room entrance, there were so many kids in the house. She wondered when Lily had become so popular. Lily was standing with the boy she introduced as James. She watched with curious eyes as her daughter took the small gift he handed to her. Lily was blushing as she thanked him. She unwrapped the gift and slowly held up a thick intricate gold bracelet dotted with several large rubies. Mrs. Evans could only assume it was an expensive old heirloom, the kind of piece handed from generation to generation. James took the bracelet from Lily's hand and unclasped it. He very gently placed the piece around her wrist and clasped it shut. He then laced his fingers through hers, her hand now adorned with the bracelet. Lily looked into James' eyes and smiled at him. Mrs. Evans smiled at the scene playing out in front of her. Lily looked so happy, so different from just hours earlier. She walked into the room, catching Lily's attention, "Do you want me to take a few shots of you all as a group before I head out love?" Lily nodded. Mrs. Evans took a few pictures of the big group of Lily's friends, noticing how her and James never let go of one another's hands. She left the camera with the kids, and soon the kids were taking all kinds of pictures together. She walked to the doorway and pulled on a thick woollen coat, and stepped outside. It seemed that so many things had been changing around her. She knew her daughter well, and yet there were parts of her life that were an entire mystery. It was dark outside and she thought she might just walk down the street, craving the feel of the cold winter air. She turned to look at the house and noticed that Severus was standing by the large living room window. He was so thin, tall, and dark. She was certain that if she wasn't paying attention, she would have hardly seen him. Severus was looking intently into the window. She noticed he wasn't wearing a jacket, just an old faded dark sweater and dark pants. She walked back up toward the house. She wondered often of poor Severus. He was so rarely cared for. His mother too busy, always trying to make ends meet, his father drunk and absent. She missed the days when Lily and Severus would do everything together. She missed these days for him, she missed these days for Eileen. She walked over to him, noticing him stiffen the second he could hear her steps. Severus didn't dare move, How could he explain what he was doing to anyone. He felt a hand on his arm and he let himself get pulled away. Mrs. Evans walked with Severus until they reached the sidewalk. She noticed how much he had grown in the last year; he was towering over her. She also noticed how his pants seemed a bit too short, not covering his ankles. Severus wouldn't look at Mrs. Evans, he couldn't.

"Come on honey, I'll walk you home".

She took his arm and guided him down the street toward the house.

Severus was ashamed, what was he doing at their house. How could he explain himself? He knew he didn't have to, but he was scared. What did Mrs. Evans know about him? Did she know about Voldemort? Did she know about Death Eaters? They approached the front steps of Severus' house.

"Is your father home?"

Severus shook his head. "He hasn't been home in days".

Mrs. Evans followed Severus inside. She had only been inside this house once before. It looked exactly as it did before, maybe it seemed a bit duller. She walked into the kitchen searching for the kettle, opening a cupboard here and there looking for tea. She noticed how bare the shelves were. She wondered when the last time this poor boy ate. She noticed Severus had sat down at the kitchen table. His head resting into his folded arms. She placed a cup of tea in front of him, and sat down at the table across from him.

"Honey, has it been like this all Christmas?"

Severus nodded his head not lifting his head from his arms. She reached into her coat pocket and pulled out her coin purse. She pulled out a few neatly folded notes and put them on the table.

She gently said, "This is for your eighteenth birthday Severus. You are going to be a man now. You will have to take care of yourself".

Severus didn't move. He sat there his eyes closed. He didn't feel ready to be a man. He wanted to be young. He wanted to be with Lily. He missed his mum. He missed his old life. He wasn't ready. He heard the sound of the chair moving and Mrs. Evans standing up. Severus felt numb. She was the only one who had talked to him in weeks.

"I'll be back in a little while Severus. Drink your tea darling." She slipped out the door quickly.

She walked down Spinners End and onto her street. She knew there was a War going on in the Magical world, and she was seeing it, the result. Kids growing up too quickly. She had no doubts about Lily's judgements. She was a brilliant girl, with a good strong character. Things were different for Severus though and she knew it. He hadn't been loved completely, he hadn't been cared for. If he was making the wrong decisions, she knew it wasn't his fault. It was the tragedy of fate. Some of us are dealt happy lives, and others are not, and there really was no say in who got what. She walked into her house and entered the kitchen, hoping she wouldn't disturb the party. She opened the cupboard and pulled out several plastic containers. She filled them with a vast variety of food. Much of it being from this party, that had so much food, it could probably feed the guests for several days. She opened the pantry and took boxes of cookies and crisps. Looking for the things she could remember Severus liking best. She thought to ask Lily, and realized she wouldn't be able to tell her about this at all. She knew she couldn't do a lot for the boy, but she knew even this would be helpful enough for now. Mr. Evans walked into the kitchen, wrapping his arms around her.

"Where did you go?"

She turned in his arms to face him. His soft brown eyes searching her face.

"I saw poor Severus. He looks like he hasn't eaten in a week. I'm going to bring him some things" she whispered.

Mr. Evans nodded. He understood how hard things were for the boy. He helped her pile up the containers and boxed into two big paper bags. It seemed all the kids in the party had moved down to the basement, one of them, the slightly round one was fast asleep on the living room couch. She quietly picked up the paper bags and walked to the front door, Mr. Evans opened the door giving her a small encouraging smile. She walked off down the street. When she reached the front door, she opened it to find Severus exactly where she left him. She placed the bags on the counter and started unpacking them. She found a plate and fixed him dinner. She stopped herself from putting too much on the plate knowing it would probably take a little while before he would be able to eat real portions. She placed the plate in front of him and placed her hand on top of his head.

"Severus, you need to eat", her voice was so gentle and caring. It had been so long since someone had been gentle with him. He looked up, immediately brushing the hot tears from his eyes. The tears wouldn't stop. She sat in the chair next to him, holding his hand and pushing the plate closer to him with her other. Severus' breathing was labored. He concentrated on slowing down his breath, it took a while but he finally stopped crying. She looked at Severus's face. He was much too thin. His hair was greasy. Dark circles under his eyes. She thought of Eileen and how she was grateful she had never seen Severus looking this way. Severus brushed his hands over his face again. He looked up at Mrs. Evans and tried to smile at her. She pat his hand gently and got up to fix herself a cup of tea. Severus started to eat his food. She stood in the kitchen and looked down at him.

"How are your classes going Severus?"

Severus looked at her thoughtfully and then answered, "They're going pretty well, I've got top marks in all of my classes so far. Same as Lily I suspect. Though she's a great deal better than me at potions".

Mrs. Evans smiled at him. He was such a smart and gifted boy, she hoped he would make good use of his talents.

"Are you still in the Slug Club?"

Severus looked down. "Yes, I suppose I am, but I haven't gone to any of the dinners or parties this year."

She understood. It had already been such a hard year for him, she imagined he might be avoiding Lily at school. When Severus finished his plate, he walked over to the kitchen counter and placed it the sink.

She looked at him, "I'm going to ask to take Lily to Kings Cross Station on Sunday, and I am going to come here to pick you up."

Severus nodded. He wouldn't be able to tell her how grateful he was. He had never been so lonely in his life. She walked over and gave him a hug. She smoothed her hands down his back.

"Now you take good care of yourself between now and Sunday. And if you feel like chatting come over for lunch. Only Mr. Evans is home then, and he only comes home for lunch sometimes. You are more than welcome Severus."

She looked up at him and smiled, then walked to the door and left. Severus missed his mother so much he could feel the gaping hole in his chest. She wasn't as warm or friendly as Mrs. Evans, but she had understood him completely. He had no one else in the world. He considered Mrs. Evans, and how she had always been so kind to him, Mr. Evans too. Why was it that he couldn't go back? Why couldn't he be what Lily wanted.


	5. Eileen

Eileen Snape had always been rather thin. She had thick black wavy hair which she usually wore down, it reached past her bony hips. She remembered the very first time she sent Severus away to Hogwarts. The Evans had been kind enough to offer to drive both her and Severus to Kings Cross. They would drive, and she would be able to show them how to get onto the platform. She sat in the back of their station wagon, with little Severus sitting between herself and Lily, a very upset Petunia staring out the window. She was nervous about him leaving her for the first time. It seemed everyone in the car was nervous. When they were finally on the platform and Severus on the train with Lily, she felt like a part of her, the most important part of her was leaving her body. Severus waved to her as the train started to move away. She waved back, hoping her face didn't betray her, she wanted her little son to be excited, not worried about his ridiculous mother. When Eileen walked back inside her house she couldn't help but notice how empty it felt without him. Tobias' work boots were still in the front hall, which meant he managed to be so hungover he wouldn't be going to work. Eileen wondered how she was going to get through her days without her son to care for. She knew she wasn't the best mother, and that Severus would be much better taken care of at Hogwarts. She couldn't help but wish that he was just a bit younger, just so she could have a little more time with him.

The days dragged by slowly while Severus was away at school. She wrote him weekly, and he would always write her back. The words were never overly warm or sentimental, but she knew just how to read between the lines with Severus, and Severus knew right back. A very tiny part of Eileen hoped that there would be some change in her marriage once Severus was at school. She remembered the days when Severus was a baby. Tobias seemed so sweet back then. He was very much the diligent father. Eileen remembered herself in those days, so happy. She had put on weight, sometimes she even looked healthy. Her husband was affectionate, and they would dream together about their future. They wanted more children. A younger sister for Severus. Eileen had told Tobias that their daughter would look more like him, brown hair, and amber eyes. He would smile back at her. There was so much hope in those days. It was when Severus turned three that his bouts of magic started getting out of control. At first he would accidentally knock things over without touching them when he was upset. Eileen had come to expect it, she wasn't sure if Severus would be a wizard, but she had her suspicions for some time. There just seemed to be something very magical about him. He was such a happy baby. But then he started setting things on fire, and shattering glass. It was then that Tobias started getting nervous around his son. Eileen noticed that he never wanted to be alone with little Severus. Soon she noticed that Tobias started to get increasingly angry when Severus would accidentally display magic. Often this would make the situation worse, Severus would accidentally shatter the glasses on the table, Tobias would scream at him, and before they knew it something was on fire. Eileen could fix these issues in an instant with her wand, but this seemed to make Tobias even more furious. He constantly tried to convince her that there was something wrong with their son. Eileen had explained to him several times that this was perfectly normal, but she didn't have any witch or wizard friends to back her up on the matter. It was one afternoon when a four-year-old Severus accidentally knocked over all the pictures hanging on the wall that Tobias snapped, he jumped up from his chair making a fist and swung it toward Severus, but before he made any contact Severus pushed out his hands and a strong forced pushed Tobias backwards, he painfully dropped to the floor on his back. It was then that Eileen realized that she desperately needed to keep her son safe. She noticed that her happy little family was no more. The house was always tense. And she noticed that Severus had really picked up on the changes. The once happy constantly giggling baby was mostly subdued. Eileen did her best to keep Severus' spirits up, but she found that it seemed more natural to him these days to be sad. Little Severus would follow her around everywhere. When Severus was eight, Tobias had started getting drunk more days than not, and he was skipping more work than usual. Eileen needed to go back to work, the instability in their finances wouldn't work with a little Severus to feed. She took a job cleaning office spaces. She wondered if she could get a job in the Magical world, but she hadn't had any magical contacts in so long, she wouldn't know where to look. She always encouraged Severus so go outside and play with the other kids, she knew this would be preferable than staying inside the house with his father. Eileen didn't want to admit that part of her wanted some kind of reconciliation with Tobias. They did have happiness once after all. She soon learned that without Severus in the house, Tobias was able to be as angry and violent as he really felt. The days went on, Eileen waiting to hear from Severus weekly. She ate less and less. She spent most of her time at home sitting in the armchair in front of the living room window. She would dream about the life she wished she had. She would dream of seeing Severus happy. Seeing him fulfill his dreams. Little grandchildren with his eyes and her freckles. She would never truly be able to express her gratefulness that Severus had found Lily. When Severus would return home for Christmases she hoped he didn't notice her increasing thinness. Each summer she would get some of her life back, with Severus in the house again. She would gain back a little of the weight she'd lost during the year. Every year the same pattern. She wished for Severus never to know how she spent her days. If he could live through happy days with little thoughts of his mother, that would be ideal for Eileen.


	6. The first time

Severus awoke to the sounds of heavy creaking. He blinked a few times, his eyes adjusting to the darkness. He heard his window slide open and a small thump. He sat up and saw a sixteen-year-old Lily Evans in her pajamas and sneakers crouched on his bedroom floor.

"You know, you'd be a terrible spy".

Lily laughed. "Yeah well, I was trying to make sure your parents didn't hear me, not you" she pointed out. "If I didn't want you to see me I'm sure I could have done it".

Lily took off her sneakers and placed them neatly next to Sev's bed and she climbed in. Severus moved over making space for her. He had been exhausted only an hour earlier when he had fallen asleep, and now the idea of sleep seemed impossible with her curled into his body. His arms held her firmly. Lily had the habit of being comfortable in the most uncomfortable looking positions. She could read with her long legs leaned up against a tree for hours. Severus' hands twitched. They had a mind of their own. Unfortunately, his hands were just trying to go the places his mind desperately wanted to.

Lily turned in his arms to face him, a smile playing on her lips. "I saw you an hour ago, and I've already missed you so much". She scrunched up her face and Severus laughed.

He placed a soft kiss on her lips. Lily returned the kiss with a fire burning in the pit of her stomach. Severus kissed her back greedily. His hands moving down her back and over her bum to touch the ends of her pyjama shorts. One hand moved up the bottom of her shorts to feel the curve of her, his other hand following. There was so much need in Lily's kiss. Severus could feel any last bit of control he might have slip away from him. Without breaking the kiss Severus sat up, and Lily straddled him, grinding into him. She could feel his hardness on her core. She moved her hips and felt Severus groan into her mouth. He pulled at the bottom of her shirt, pulling it over her head. They paused. Lily sitting on Severus' lap. Lily in her maroon bra, and pajama shorts, straddling Severus' boxer laden lap. Lily looked at Severus' face. The face she loved so much. He wore a hard expression. Dark eyebrows almost furrowed, against his soft pale skin. His obsidian eyes baring into hers. His long hair lightly tosseled. She looked at his sharp nose, and his not too thin lips. He had a handsome face. She looked at his shoulders, and onto his defined chest. Though Severus was thin, he was toned. He had lean but muscular arms, his large slender hands sitting on her waist. She felt his long fingers resting against her bare skin. Her eyes tracing his body as she followed down his flat stomach to his naval and the dark hair that trailed down against his pale skin where his boxers interrupted her view. Severus watched as Lily slowly looked from his hair to his stomach. It was if she were trying to memorize every detail of him. Severus looked at her face, lightly tan from the summer, her freckles darker. She had the most beautiful skin. Glowing with a smattering of freckles, a few extra on her nose. Her perfect nose. If you asked Severus, there wasn't a thing about Lily that wasn't perfect. Severus looked at her lips, pink and full. He felt nervous just looking at them. His eyes went to meet hers but she was looking down, he noticed her long red lashes, her perfectly shaped eyebrows. Her long hair, so fiery and red, not losing a bit of colour in the darkness. It reached down her back past Severus' fingers and the curve of her bum. He noticed her neck, delicate and thin, her collar bones. His eyes followed the shape of her, her perfectly rounded breasts sitting in a maroon bra, complementing the cream of her skin and the fire of her hair. Severus could feel his heart beating faster. His eyes moved to her ribs, he could just make out the outline of them. Her body was thin, yet soft in all the right places. His eyes followed to her navel, and stopped at her pink pajama shorts. Severus looked up, his black eyes meeting large emerald ones. A small nervous laugh escaped Lily. She sent him a full smile, the kind only Lily gave him, one that met her eyes. Lily looked at Severus searching his eyes, an unspoken question in the air. And Severus answered with a look. She knew she was safe here. She reached behind her and unclasped her bra. Her hands lingering behind her. The bra loosened but didn't fall. Lily was nervous. Severus was nervous. He swallowed and moved his hands to the straps on her shoulders, pushing the bra down, it fell between them. He looked down to her breasts. Her creamy skin, very lightly freckled. Perfectly round, and full. Two perfect small pink nipples. The nervousness could be felt in the room. Severus smiled at Lily, looking into her eyes. He placed one hand on her face, pulling her closer and kissed her. The kiss starting gently and getting more intense. Lily moved her hips, her core rubbing against Severus' hardness. Severus moaned, his hands moving from her waist up her bare back, over her shoulders and down her front. His hands ghosted over her breasts, his long fingers barely touching her pink nipples. He moved his hands flat down her stomach, and back up to her breasts, this time cupping her breasts while his thumbs ruled over her nipples. Lily moaned at the contact. Never breaking the kiss Severus moved to reposition them. Supporting her with his arms he pushed her back onto the bed, pinning her under him. He broke the kiss and stared into her face. Both Lily and Severus breathing quickly. Severus leaned down and kissed her forehead. Then her nose. her lips. her chin. down her jaw, behind her ear. Her breath hitched. down her throat. He placed soft kisses along her collar bones. He moved down her body. He kissed every freckle that caught his attention along the way. He could hear Lily's breath getting heavier, as though each kiss made her body more sensitive than before. He reached the peak of her breast, he kissed her right nipple, tonging it slightly, Lily writhed beneath him. He kissed her left nipple, and preceded to move down. He kissed down her the soft skin of her stomach. Kissed over her navel. When he reached her shorts, he pulled them down to expose her hip bones, kissing them too. He pulled down her shorts completely, revealing her light pink underwear. He kissed above the line of her underwear. He kissed down her thighs, he would worship every part of her. He kissed from the tops of her thighs, to her knees to the tops of her delicate feet. He crawled back up between her legs. Positioning himself over her, he looked at her face. She was wearing a shy smile, a blush across her cheeks. He kissed her, this time letting his body lean into her. Her hands moved across his back. His hips pushing into her core. She moved her hand to his boxers and pulled them down. She could feel his hardness on her thinly cover center. She broke their kiss and looked into his eyes. She loved him. She trusted him. She felt, she felt she was ready for this, for them. She could tell he was nervous. He shifted off her while she reached down and pulled down her underwear.

She pulled on his hand so he was back over her. He searched her face, he knew her answer but he asked anyways, "are you sure?"

She leaned up and kissed him, her fingers in his hair, pulling him down to her. She moved her hips, feeling his hardness touching her wet core. Severus hesitated, then slowly pushed his hardness into her, he felt her stiffen lightly beneath him. He broke the kiss to look at her face. She winced a little, her eyebrows slightly furrowing. He looked into her eyes and she nodded. Severus pushed himself into her further, nervous. She pulled him back to her, and kissed him hard. Once he had pushed himself inside her completely, he couldn't help but moan. She felt so good, so hot and tight. He couldn't stop his nervousness, he feared he was hurting her, and the idea of it was making it hard for him to move. Severus's eyes were closed. He didn't know what to do. Once Severus stopped moving, Lily relaxed, the feeling of all of him inside her was new. Painful at first, but not entirely uncomfortable. She looked up to see that Severus had frozen, he looked scared to move, and his eyes were shut. She placed a hand on his face, he opened his eyes, a worried expression on his face.

"Keep going baby". Severus nodded his head, and slowly pulled out of her until just the tip of his hardness was inside her.

He watched her face and he slowly moved back inside her. Lily moved her hand to his bum and pulled him into her, taking the hint Severus sped up. The feeling was one he'd never had before. Lily felt amazing. There were no words. He thrust into her, over and over, forming a rhythm. Severus couldn't help moaning. And before long Lily was making soft mewing sound each time he thrust into her. Severus couldn't help it, she felt so good, and the sounds she was making, he wouldn't last much longer. He pulled out of her and finished on his sheets. Kneeling on his bed with his back to Lily, Severus was overwhelmed with his feelings. He didn't know what to do, so he didn't move. He felt Lily's small hand on his arm. She pulled him back to her. She had sat up, he noticed the pinkish stain on his sheet where she had been lying down. Lily's arms were crossed over her chest. Severus stood up and grabbed a shirt out of his dresser, and two pairs of boxers. He walked over to her and handed them to her, and pulled on a pair of boxers himself. They climbed back under the sheets, Severus holding Lily tightly. Her head on his chest, his chin atop her head. He was overwhelmed, his chest felt as if it could burst. He felt happy and complete, and yet completely afraid. Lily felt so safe. There was so much happiness, she could feel it in every part of her being. She snuggled her face into his chest. "I love you Sev". Severus tightened his arms around her. The fear in his chest subsiding.

"I love you so much Lily. More than anything."

She heard his words. She felt as if she took them and put them right in her heart, knowing they would live there forever. It was clumsy and awkward, but their first time was perfect.

Severus awoke a few hours later, tangled into Lily's limbs. He felt so content with her perfect form fast asleep over his heart. He closed his eyes, ready to fall asleep again, and just as his mind drifted from consciousness, a voice played in his head, _you don't deserve her._ His brows twitched and before he could think he fell asleep.


	7. Mr Evans

Mr. Evans stood in front of his closet looking for something to wear. He would be meeting his daughter's boyfriend that afternoon, and he wasn't sure if this was something to be dressed nicely for. He knew Petunia would prefer it. He loved his daughter wholeheartedly, and he knew that she would be the kind of girl to bring home a snobby boyfriend. His two daughters were so vastly different and yet equally lovely. He occasionally worried about Petunia, she was a smart girl, but she often let her insecurities stop her from being the gentle person she was on the inside. Sometimes he thought she wore an armor to protect herself. He wouldn't judge her though. There were as many kinds of people as there were flowers. He knew Petunia was trying her best. It was hard for her to learn that Lily was a witch. He understood though that it must have been terribly depressing to learn of such a world at such a young age, only to know that she could never be a part of it. Who could take that kind of rejection at ten years old?

Petunia had cried for days when Lily first left for Hogwarts, she was inconsolable. Though he was excited for Lily's big adventure, he wondered how damaging it had been to split the two girls up at such a young age. It was just young enough that they could grow up and never really know one another. Mr. Evans who had been an only child himself, had always wanted a sibling, and felt quite sad about the situation his daughters were in.

Petunia always seemed quite pleasant when it was just the three of them, talking about her favorite subjects in school, her future plans. She could be quite funny when she wanted to be. She was an entirely different person around Lily, guarded and unyielding.

Poor Lily had no idea what to make of this. She would be her friendly self as she always was. But Mr. Evans knew that Petunia's guardedness hurt Lily. She wanted to be just like her sister when she was younger, and now it seemed like there was barely anything alike about them.

Mr. Evans walked from the wardrobe to the window, he could see Lily standing there with Severus. They were standing with distance between them, their arms in front of them, hands joined. Lily was lightly swaying back and forth, Severus watching her, adoration written all over his face. Mr. Evans smiled at the scene. Ah, young Severus, forever in love with his daughter. Mr. Evans was very fond of Severus. He thought Severus a very funny character. Severus seemed like a boy with a smart mind, one who could navigate anything on his own, but who would willingly jump off a bridge if Lily asked him too. Mr. Evans laughed at the thought. Though Lily as a bit too young to be thinking about marriage, he knew she would end up with someone who would immediately be a part of their family. Lily was like that, she could make anyone feel welcome, except maybe her sister, though she never stopped trying. Mr. Evans thought about Severus as a son-in-law. Well, it wouldn't be much of a change from how things were now. Severus would follow Lily anywhere. He liked the idea of Lily and Severus. At the very least there wouldn't be a formal get to know you dinner. Mr. Evans sighed and made his way back to the wardrobe. The idea of a little boy with black hair and brilliant green eyes played in his head. He knew he was thinking too far into the future, but still, he would love that little boy with all his heart.


	8. The talk

His head snapped up as he heard his bedroom door slam shut. Lily was standing against the door. She looked to take a step forward but hesitated. He hadn't seen her in weeks. This was the first summer since he met her that they hadn't spent every day together. Severus didn't know what to do. He stayed sitting on his bed, watching her. She walked over and stood in front of him. It had been so long since he'd seen her wearing muggle clothes. Dark jeans and a simple pink shirt. Lily took a deep breath and spoke, hoping her voice conveyed a hardness she wasn't sure she had.

"Is it really going to be like this now?"

Severus flinched at the cold tone. He rubbed his hands over his face. He was so tired. Summer without Lily was exhausting. He moved his hands from his face, taking in her hard expression.

"It doesn't have to be", his voice was soft, almost pleading.

Lily didn't know what to do, it seemed impossible to make sense of everything that had changed. This was Severus, her Severus. Only it wasn't. She sat down next to him, and lay back. His sheets smelled of him, smelled of home. Severus lay on his side next to her, both their feet dangling off the side of the bed. He traced his hand along the side of her face, pushing a stray lock behind her ear. Lily closed her eyes. It felt the same. The feel of his hand, the smell of his sheets, the sun pouring through the window warming her skin. His hand moved down her body and rested on her stomach. This was too familiar. Severus leaned down to kiss her, and Lily let him. The warmth of his mouth, the taste of him, how she had longed for it. Her hand touched his face. He covered her small hand with his, reveling in the feeling of her touch. She broke the kiss and looked into his eyes, vulnerability written across her face.

"It won't work though, it can't. Not like this".

He smoothed down her hair with his hands, framing her face.

"It could."

Lily blinked back tears. She didn't understand what he was doing. How could he choose this path? "And what happens to me? What happens when they come for me Sev?"

Severus looked hard into her face. "I would never let anything happen to you".

Lily sat up, and looked down at Severus.

"It's not your choice Sev. Can't you see what they're doing. Godrick. Can't you see what you've done! Sev you've as good as killed people."

Severus frowned. Pulling himself up off the bed, he turned to face her.

His voice controlled but cold. "I haven't killed anyone".

"All those spells you've made Sev, you know what they're using them for. Mary told me what they used on her. And I know you made it. Sev. They're going to kill people we know. They're going to kill our friends. Can't you see that?"

A long silence followed Lily's words. He walked over to her and took her hands in his.

"Lily, nothing is going to happen to you. Choose me. I'll protect you with my life if I have to. But it would never come to that. Choose me, nothing will part us if you do".

Lily couldn't control the anger bubbling inside her. "Is that what you really want Sev? You want me to run away with you while all of my best mates fight your so-called Death Eater friends? You want me to hear about everyone I love dying?" She paused for a moment. The growing anger showing on her face. "And what could you really do to protect a mudblood like me?"

Severus flinched at the word. "I would do anything, everything to protect you".

Lily stood up. "You're selfish Severus. You want me and you don't care if I'm happy. You don't care who dies. They'll kill my family, my parents Sev. Then they'll kill me. You're so blinded by their power; you can't even see they don't care about you."

She turned away from him. A heavy silence filling the room. Her voice was so small, he wasn't sure if he had heard it, "and If they knew about us, they'd kill me first".

Severus couldn't handle the things she was saying, he felt a hole open up in his chest swallowing her words, getting bigger and deeper by the second. Pain he'd never felt before. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, placing his chin onto of her head. Breathing in her smell, stroking her hair.

"You don't know Lily, you don't really understand. It's not what you think".

Lily felt bile rising up her throat. She stepped back from him, taking his right hand. She looked down at it and forcefully pulled up his sleeve. She took in the dark black ink against his pale skin.

"And if it's not what I think Sev, why do you need to be branded?"

Severus felt defeated. It was obvious that Lily would never understand. He didn't want to fight, but he knew there was no way they would be able to figure things out, not with the War being what it was. He knew he needed to do something. Anything. If she left now she would never come back. They stood like that, Lily holding Severus' exposed inked arm. Each of them searching the other's face for an answer. Finally, Lily let go of Severus's hand. She walked toward the door, stopping to turn around. She took one long last look at the room. The room she had spent so many summer nights, the room that was as much hers as it was Sev's. She looked at Severus. He stood exactly where she left him. Lily left Spinner's End for the last time. She's wasn't a little girl anymore.


	9. Midnight snack

"Okay, now, just pretend that if you focused on my mind, you could easily see what I was thinking"

Lily took a few moments to process what Severus was saying. She had met him in the middle of the night as they occasionally would during the school year, to tell each other important things, or for the most part just to see one another. The school year was nothing like the summer, so Lily and Sev would have to plan when they would see each other. They sat on the floor of the empty classroom. Both in their pajamas, covered in their school robes.

"Okay, but I'm not sure if I know what you mean."

Lily closed her eyes and focused.

"No no Lily, I think it's actually easier if you look into my eyes. I know it's weird, but just try it."

Lily looked into Severus's clear black eyes, focusing on the idea that she would be able to see his thoughts. Severus stared hard back into Lily's green eyes, thinking very specifically of the very first birthday cake they shared. He thought of the dark chocolate frosting, and the sky blue frosting spelling out their names. Without intending to, Severus could remember the taste of the cake. The texture. His favorite chocolate frosting.

Lily frowned. "I can't see anything Sev."

Severus smiled at her. "It's okay Lil. You just have to get used to it. I tried it a bunch of times on Wilkes until I could finally see it. And even then he told me he was screaming the thought in his head."

Lily smiled. "Okay, fine. We'll keep trying. But not right now. I'm suddenly really hungry. I'm going to go down to the kitchen. Do you want to come with?"

Severus nodded, and they both stood up. "What are you gonna get?"

Lily flashed him a brilliant smile. "I know exactly what I'm going to get. For some reason I'm really craving chocolate cake".


	10. Dancing

Lily bounded into Severus' room, a determined smile on her face. She was wearing a cream coloured blouse and a flowy green knee length skirt. Her hair was in an elegant ponytail, the kind her mother would wear, and Severus could tell she was wearing a pair of her mother's high heels.

"We are going dancing" Lily announced.

Severus looked startled, and quickly broke into a laugh.

"Lily, I cannot dance, you must know that."

But Lily would have none of that. She walked over to him and grabbed him by the arm, directing him in front of her.

"We are going to dance, and I bet you dance in here when nobody's home, I'm going to prove it"

Holding onto Severus' outstretched arms Lily twirled around, her skirt dancing around her. She was a vision, a happy dream. Letting go of Severus' hands she walked to the corner of his room and turned his radio on, adjusting the station until it was dance music. She twirled back to him catching his hand, readjusting them so one was on the small of her back and the other holding his hand upright.

"You want to dance with me Sev. Trust me." Her voice was sweet and her face endearing.

Severus knew he would be dancing in a minute, even though he'd never done it before. The song wasn't slow, and it wasn't fast. First they clumsily moved about his room, Sev occasionally kicking her feet. Twirling her about, pulling her into him, her face just below his. Looking at her. Taking in her big green eyes, her contagious smile. Severus was awkward at first but easily finding himself getting used to the feeling. The feeling of the music leading him, and he leading her. It felt natural. The next song picked up quite a bit and Lily let go of him, she started moving to the music, her shoulders moving to the beat her hips swaying. If she didn't nudge him to move, he would have watched her. She was so full of life. Happiness radiated from her so strongly. Severus took in the feeling, and channeled it into his heart. She was so alive, and being with her made him feel like he could be anything. It was as if he could let go of all of his inhibitions and just be, just dance.

They danced together the rest of the afternoon, matching the tempo of the changing songs. Eventually they ended up sweaty and tired on to Sev's bed. Lily laying with her back to his chest. Her mother's heels still on her feet, her skirt fanned about her and over Sev's legs. Several loose strands of hair had escaped her ponytail falling into her face. Severus smoothed them from her face, and she snuggled closer into his chest. Dancing with Lily had felt so free and liberating. Being with Lily was free and liberating. As if she could fill up all the dents and cracks in his soul. He felt so light. He felt so loved.


	11. Potions

Severus was trying to figure out _Lily and the Art of Brewing Potions_. There had to have been something innate in the art, as Lily somehow intuitively knew exactly what to do to make a potion more perfectly than the instructions in the text book. When Severus would ask Lily about how she knew what to do, or what to change, Lily would always answer the same way, "I don't know Sev, it's like an instinct, I'll read the directions but somehow my body knows these little short cuts, and changes, and before I notice, I've done something different than the book".

From their second year in potions onward, Severus would intently watch Lily as she brewed her potions, and furtively scribble into his potions textbook, he would make sure to note all of the different things Lily would do. Severus himself would follow the textbook instructions. His potions always turned out perfect, but somehow Lily's would be better.

"Oh ho ho, She has the brewers touch!" Professor Slughorn would always say when he rounded their work station in Potions. Lily would sit up straight and revel in the praise. She certainly did deserve it; she was exceptionally talented in potions. Severus was always in awe of her talent. And Lily had an appreciation for Severus' attention to detail. It didn't really matter to her what the changes in the potions were, she didn't need to remember them, she would just know it. But she did like looking at Severus's textbook after class. She was amazed by the slight differences in the recipe, versus what she had done. She was also quite taken with the idea that Severus watched her while she crafted her art. He never ceased to make her feel special.

There was something innate that drew Lily to potion brewing. He carefully watched her from the corner of his eye. This class they were brewing the Antidote to Common Poisons. Severus watched Lily powder a bezoar, as he did, except she didn't thoroughly crush it - as was indicated in the book. Knowing she would laugh him off if he pointed it out, Severus continued with his work. Even her stirring didn't follow the directions. Toward the end of the period they had one ingredient left to add, mistletoe berries. They were to add two. Lily rolled the berries through her fingers, and abruptly left her work station for the cupboards. She returned a moment later with what looked like ten berries. Severus continued to attend to his brew, wondering what she needed the extra berries for. He knew the mistletoe plant was poisonous in all parts but the berries, and even they needed to be consumed in the smallest quantities - too many could make anyone ill. He turned to see Lily add ten berries to her brew.

"Lily, come on, you can't take that kind of risk with an antidote!" Severus whispered harshly.

Lily looked amusingly at Severus. "Oh, is that so?", and she turned and stirred her potion once clockwise and once counter.

"Times up young ones. Now now, let's see what you've all come up with" Professor Slughorn started at the opposite end of the class. "And if you're really confident, I'll ask you to try what's in the flask I have here, and you can proceed to save yourself with your brew. Top marks if you try and succeed. Though, I warn you, if you make your potion right, you will survive, though you might feel a bit like someone dropped a frying pan over your head", professor Slughorn chuckled to himself as he went from student to student. He rounded a station crowded by four Gryffindors. "Anyone here truly confident with their antidote?" Severus noted that Lily was paying particular attention to the boys on the other end. James looked over to Lily, and Lily overtly rolled her eyes, and looked back to her brew.

"Professor. I'm quite sure of mine. So sure that _both_ me and Sirius will try it!" James' voice boomed across the dungeons.

"Oy mate, so this is how you plan to do me in?! In potions class!" Sirius barked at James. The whole class was laughing.

"Alright professor, forget him, I'll have a go."

James was using that voice and tone that Severus recognized, specific for trying to impress Lily. It was obvious to everyone in their year that he was a bit obsessed with impressing her. Luckily for Severus, Potter never seemed to impress Lily, he only seemed to annoy her.

"Go forth Mr. Potter, let's see how your antidotes fairs"

James took the flask from the professor, made a very obvious wink at Lily, to which she did not respond. He then took a big gulp. His face paled immediately. He quickly took a swig of his potion. Colour did start to come to his face, though the colour was green.

"Stand back class. Mr. Potter, I'm going to pour this antidote into your mouth, try your best to swallow it." Professor Slughorn's voice was stern. He swiftly retrieved a small vial from his pocket, uncorked it and tipped the contents into the very unsteady and increasingly green James' mouth. Sirius moved behind him and put his hands on his shoulders to steady James. Professor Slughorn watched James intently for several moments. James started to cough, and the right colour came back to his face. Sirius started to laugh, followed by Professor Slughorn, and then hesitantly the rest of the class.

"Oh ho dear boy, willing to give up your life just to impress a girl. I'd say, you're gonna take it too far one of these days." Professor Slughorn clapped James on the back. James looked to Lily and smiled sheepishly. Lily caught his smile, and looked uncomfortable.

"And how are you feeling?" The professor directed at James.

Sirius jumped in before James could answer. "He's perfect. Ready to take on the world, aren't we James?"

James hunched over and mumbled. "This is worst hangover I've ever had".

"Ah, well that's the thing about an antidote, it will save you. But for the first twenty minutes or so, you might feel that dying would be less painful." Professor Slughorn walked passed their work station to the next.

On the other side of the room, Severus was feeling incredibly insecure. He knew Lily didn't fancy James, and yet the whole situation felt terribly uncomfortable. What was he supposed to do with James' increasingly ridiculous grand gestures to his girlfriend? And what was this awkwardness for Lily? She spent most of her time at school with the Gryffindors. Was he just as obnoxious? Severus was insecure. Was he the only reason Lily didn't talk to James? Before his thoughts got away from him he felt Lily's fingers slip through his own. She smiled up at him. Her green eyes never betraying her affection for him. A few moments later Professor Slughorn made his way to their work station.

"And now for you dear boy, would you like to test your potion?"

"I think I will Professor." Severus accepted the flask from the Professor and took a big gulp. He immediately started to feel funny. And he was suddenly very aware of all of the students watching him. He shot back a gulp of his brew. His body started to relax, and his head started to throb.

"Wonderful dear boy! Just wonderful. A perfect brew. Top marks for you Mr. Snape!" He clapped Severus on the shoulder. The class clapped, the Slytherin's cheered. Severus slumped into his seat. He noticed James watching him looking very irritated.

"And Miss Evans. Are you going to test yours?"

"Of course Professor", Lily beamed at the Professor.

Professor Slughorn peered into Lily's cauldron. An intense look passing over his face. "It's a bit redder than it should be, Miss Evans, did everything go as planned during the brew?"

"I believe so Professor." Lily smiled at Professor Slughorn and took the flask from his unwilling hands. She took a big sip and placed the flask on the desk. She quickly poured a small amount of the brew into a glass. She paled more and more by the second. She swallowed her brew, and in a second she looked just as healthy as she did before she tried the poison. After a few silent moments the class began to cheer and clap. Lily started to laugh.

"oh ho, oh ho. My word Miss Evans, do you not feel in the least bit foul after the antidote?" Professor Slughorn was looking at Lily as if she were a thousand galleons.

"I don't sir."

"How ever did you do it?"

A blush crept over Lily's face. "I used ten mistletoe berries, but I took out the seeds, ridding the berries of their toxicity, but significantly increasing the healing ability."

Professor Slughorn looked stunned. "Oh ho Miss Evans" he started, and laughed, "I don't know what to do. There isn't a higher grade to give you. You're going to have a job secured with my connections before you even finish at Hogwarts!"

Sirius wolf whistled at Lily, and everyone laughed. Lily beamed with pride.

Everyone packed up their books and started to leave the class. Severus stayed seated.

"Are you feeling okay Sev?"

"I think so. I have a pretty bad headache. I should have taken your potion, my queen. Then I'd be just as good as you are" Severus laughed, pulling Lily by the arm into his lap. "You'll just have to keep me company until I feel better".

Lily ran her fingers through his hair, smiling. "Of course".


	12. Asleep

Lily carefully placed her book down next to her. She had spent the summer morning with Severus at the spot by the lake, under their tree. She had packed sandwiches and sweets and coffee for the day, they met Sev in front of her house. He had looked more tired than usual this morning. His eyes were watery and worn. His hair still wet from a shower. He was wearing an old fitted black sweater and faded blue jeans. Only Sev would be wearing a sweater in the summer. Lily could tell by Sev's tired appearance that he hadn't slept the night before, which usually meant his parents were fighting. From Lily's experience, this meant that Sev was probably anxiously waiting all night to make sure his mother was safe. And if it was a fight during the night, it meant his dad was drunk.

When Lily reached Sev in front of her house, she placed her bag on the ground and reached up on her tip toes to wrap her arms around him, he squeezed her small form picking her up off her feet for a moment. He breathed in her scent, taking in the feelings of warmth and safety that always accompanied Lily. Lily stepped back and took a good look at her Severus. The year had brought some changes to Sev. He had grown taller and broader. His shoulders seemed to fill out, she could remember the days when it looked like he was swimming in that sweater. And his face looked more angular…no, not exactly angular, but chiseled. These days starring into his dark obsidian eyes made her blush.

But this morning he looked solemn. She placed a hand on his face, and he covered it with his own, his eyes closed. They stood like that for a moment, Severus breathing slowly. Lily moved her hand down, and laced her fingers with his, Sev grabbed Lily's bag with his free hand, and they started toward the lake. The walk from their neighborhood to the lake was the wood between the worlds. It was half an hour to leave behind their lives; Lily leaving difficulties of being a witch in a muggle family, and Sev leaving behind everything that wasn't Lily. It was in these days by the lake with Lily where Severus would learn about who he was, and what he could be, it was here that his imagination and curiosities would flourish. It was here with Lily, that Severus could be somebody with dreams and desires.

When they arrived at their tree, Severus pulled the blanket out of Lily's bag and set it up, while Lily pulled out some muffins, and poured out two cups of coffee. They both had books, and set themselves up leaning against the big tree trunk. This morning Lily was reading her old copy of Jane Eyre. Within ten minutes of their morning, Sev had abandoned his book, he was lying with his face pressed onto Lily's sweater covered flat stomach, his arms wrapped around her waist, he was asleep, his fresh coffee abandoned only steps away. They were like that for hours, Sev's warm body fast asleep in the comfort of Lily, she read her book, occasionally running her fingers through his hair, or rubbing his back. Lily carefully placed her book down next to her. She could remember the first time Sev had fallen asleep with her.

They were nine years old. Lily had spent the day with her mom, running errands. Sev hadn't come 'round her house that afternoon which had become strange to her during the summer. So she had gone grocery shopping with her mum. She had picked out cookies with sprinkles in them because she knew that they were Sev's favorite. She stood on the edge of the shopping cart as her mum pushed it around the grocery store, she made a mental note to ask Sev if he knew how to steer a shopping cart like she did. Lily always had fun with her mum, and running errands always made her feel like a grown up. She was looking forward to the next day when she could tell Sev about how she had done all of these adult things.

On her way home Lily pressed her face up against the window, she wanted to make sure she could see Sev's house on her way home. As they drove by, Lily saw that Sev was sitting on the steps of his house, he didn't seem to be doing anything, he was just starring at his feet.

When she arrived home, she helped her mum put away the groceries. After helping her dad clean up after dinner, she made her way up to her room, feeling sleepy. She jumped onto her bed, feeling cozy, she started to drift to sleep.

After a few moments she heard something hitting her window. She jumped up and looked outside. She looked down to see Sev standing there. She held a finger up to her lips. She very quietly made her way downstairs, relieved to find that nobody was on the main floor. She opened the side door and let Sev in. He looked tired, his eyes were red, it was obvious that he had been crying.

"Follow me" Lily whispered. She made her way into the kitchen, and stealthily grabbed the box of cookies she had picked out, as well as a few juice boxes. She quietly led Sev up the stairs, onto the second floor, and into her room. Sev had never been in Lily's room before. It was nicer than he could have imagined. The walls were a mint green, and had hand painted pink, orange, and peach colored flowers on them. She had a wood bed that was painted white, with a trunk at the foot of the bed. Lily closed the door, jumped onto her bed, and sat cross legged. She patted the space next to her on the turquoise frilly comforter. Sev hesitated and slowly made his way onto the bed.

Lily opened the cookie box, and placed a few cookies in Sev's hands.

"What happened Sev?" Sev looked at his cookie filled hands. He wasn't sure what to say. He wasn't even sure he had done the right thing by coming to see her.

Sev took a big breath in, if he could trust anyone, it was Lily, and he knew it to be true.

"My dad has been drinking…and he didn't go to work today. He stayed home all day and fought with my mum. I think he broke her nose. And then my mum saw me, so she told me to go outside and play. But I ….I didn't want to leave. So I just stayed outside the door all day. He yelled a lot, and I think he broke some things. He finally left to go to the bar. I thought about going back inside the house…but I didn't want to.."

Lily watched as Sev spoke. He never made eye contact. He spoke down toward the bed. She didn't know what to say.

"I saw her face Lily, her nose was fixed…but her face was all purple and blue."

They sat in the silence. Severus's home life had been terrifying, but he had never said anything about it before.

"You can stay here until you feel like going home Sev."

Severus didn't say anything. He was scared. He never shared details about his home life with anyone.

"I promise I won't tell anyone". Sev felt the weight he didn't know he was carrying on his shoulders leave him. His shoulders started shaking and he started to sob. Lily carefully took the cookies out of his hands, placed them to the side, and held his hands between hers. They sat there together, in the middle of her bed. Eventually Sev calmed down. Lily handed him some tissues, and opened up a juice box for him. He accepted gratefully.

Lily hopped off the bed, and returned with her checkers set. The two played the game for an hour, they ate cookies while the played. Each winning a handful of games.

Hours later Lily awoke, she felt incredibly safe and warm. As her eyes adjusted she took in her surroundings. She and Sev had fallen asleep. They were tangled together. Her cheek on Sev's head. His face scrunched up into her neck. Sev's hands were crossed protectively over his chest, and Lily's arms were wrapped around him. The checker pieces strewn about on the bed. Lily stretched out her arms, snuggled in closer and fell asleep.

In the coming years Lily would find Sev outside her window after particularly hard days at home. On these days Sev's favorite position would be to fall asleep with his face pressed up against the middle of her chest, falling asleep to the sound of her heartbeat. The two grew to be in sync with one another. Sev usually liked to sleep with his petite Lily curled up within his larger frame, he enjoyed pushing her hair from her shoulder and counting and recounting her freckles. Except for those days when he was vulnerable, Lily would open her arms as a safety net, ready to catch him.

Lily looked down at the now stirring Sev. His eyes blinked as he awoke. He placed a kiss on Lily's tummy, and looked up at her.

"Hello love"

"You got a few hours of sleep", she smoothed down his hair. "How are you feeling?"

"mmm, so cozy…must keep sleeping". Lily laughed as Sev repositioned himself, he sat up, and placed a kiss on forehead. Lily instinctively wrapped her arms around his neck. She kissed him harder, he opened his mouth as she slipped her tongue inside.

Severus pulled Lily onto his lap. She wrapped her legs around his waist, and moved her hands to pull Sev's sweater up over his head. She moved her head back to look at him. Sev was so toned. His shoulders filled out. His arms muscular, lean, and strong. It was impossible that only a moment ago, he seemed so small and vulnerable to her, asleep with his head on her stomach.

Now he looked powerful. She ran her fingers down his chest and onto his toned stomach. Severus laced his long fingers through her hair, pulling her face forward, he kissed her again. Lily was warm and sweet. He could feel her clothed center over his jean clad hardness, he ran his hand up her bare freckled leg and under her flowy blue skirt. His hand rubbing over her bum, his fingers working their way around the fringe of her underwear. Lily was grinding herself against his hardness.  
Severus moaned and moved them so Lily was sitting against the tree again. He moved himself in front of her, pulling her legs apart, he lay down on his stomach in front of her. He moved his hands up her legs, pushing up her skirt, and positioned himself so his face was right in front of her thinly clothed centre. Lily could feel his breath over her aching core. Severus wiped his thumb over and over her covered clit, he watched as her pink panties got darker with moisture. His large hands pulled her panties down her legs, and off past her feet. He slipped her wet panties into his jeans pocket. He heard Lily laugh, and she laced her fingers through his dark hair. Severus gently licked over her aching wet center. He ran two fingers over her core and sucked on his fingers, she tasted sweet and salty and distinctly like Lily. He placed and open mouthed kiss on her pink wetness, he licked repeatedly over her sensitive nub, paying special attention to the mews coming from Lily's lips. Lily bucked into his face. Severus inserted two long fingers into her slit, Lily opened her legs wider, giving room for Severus to slowly pump his fingers in and out of her slit. Severus tonged her nub over and over, as he increasingly pumped his fingers in and out. As Lily got louder, he inserted a third finger, hearing a low moan from Lily, Severus sucked on her nub, he could hear her orgasm coming. He licked her hard with the flat of his tongue, making a come hither motion with his fingers inside her, as Lily came, he heard a high pitched mew, followed by her breathing coming down rapidly.  
Sev removed his long fingers from her aching slit, and sucked his fingers clean. He pulled Lily's skirt down, and sat up next to her. He looked at her beautiful face. Her red hair lightly messy. Emerald met Obsidian eyes. A dark blush across her face. He felt so privileged to be the one sharing these intimacies with her, that he could be the one to bring her pleasure. He pulled her into him, lacing their fingers together. Warmed by the sun's rays, and comforted by the light breeze, they feel asleep. Lily curled into Sev's chest, her head tucked under his chin.

Lily thought of how much confidence Sev had when they were together now. It had taken a while for them to get to know one another intimately. But now, Severus was one to take risks, he could be in control. She felt so safe with him always. Though she only ever saw his confidence when it was just the two of them. Sev, as tall and broad as he was, could easily disappear around anyone else. She thought to herself, if she was what he needed to stay bold and strong, she would never leave him.


	13. His Mother

Lily's seventh year at Hogwarts had been the most unfamiliar year of her life. Any stranger who went to Hogwarts would have known that this was a different year for her, she was Head Girl. Instead of ending the day with the familiar colours of deep red and gold, she now lived in in Head's dorm. It was decorated in all the house colours, had its own small kitchen area and bathroom, and was in its own part of the school. With this being the first year that Lily and Severus were not friends, and were not together, she found herself feeling very alone, and very unprepared. She was used to spending most of the school year without Sev, but what she wasn't used to, was not being around her friends. She had grown used to living with her long-time roommates Mary and Alice. She wasn't used to her flat mate being James Potter.

When Lily found out earlier that summer that James was the new Head Boy, Lily was mortified. James was not Lily's friend. Though they had been in school together for years, Lily had never had a proper conversation with James, and his not so subtle attempts as demonstrating his interest in her did not help them foster any semblance of friendship. Lily was trying to get accustomed to the idea that she would be stuck with an intrusive, inconsiderate roommate for a whole year, and she wasn't doing too well. What she didn't expect was to show up on her first day and to find a very different version of James Potter. A subdued, introverted, seemingly uninterested James Potter. When they first entered the dorm together following Professor McGonagall, James had quietly walked to his room and shut the door behind him. And for the first week Lily had no idea what to make of James. He would leave the dorm before she was up, and return at the very end of the day. It was during her second week that Alice filled her in. During the summer James Potter's mother had died. Lily felt terrible. She could only imagine how terrible it would be to lose her mother. She told Alice about how James hadn't spent any time in their dorm. She told Lily that James had been spending his time in the Gryffindor common room with his friends.

Alice took Lily's hand in her own, "I know you have every right not to like him. I wouldn't like him if he'd been chasing me around for years. But maybe you can get to know him this year, and maybe you'll be friends. Sirius was saying that he's really lonely going back to your dorm. Maybe if you were friends both of you will have a better year. I can't imagine it's been easy for you either, without Severus."

Lily squeezed Alice's hand. Alice and Mary were the only ones who knew what had happened between the two that summer. She knew Alice was right. She was going to have to make some kind of peace with James if they were going to have a decent year. She just didn't know how. James and her weren't really friends. However, she knew that nothing could change a person's word like love or death. And if she could be a decent flat mate, maybe a friend, they both might not be so alone. "You're right Allie. If there was ever a time to forgive James Potter, it would be now."

She made her way back to her dorm. Uncertain if two people with such a bizarre past could really be friends. It was half past ten, and if James was following his routine he'd be back in half an hour. Lily decided she would brew a pot of tea and wait for him in their living room. Picking up her old copy of Pride and Prejudice she made herself comfortable. Before she knew it the door opened and she heard James' light footsteps down the hall to the living room.

Lily looked up to see James stop momentarily surprised to find her there, avert eye contact and continue toward his room.

"James, do you have a moment?" Lily asked in her softest tone.

"umm sure. What's going on?" James sounded unsure.

Lily meet his eyes, offering him a genuine smile. "Um, would you like to join me for some tea? There are cookies in the pantry as well if you want a bite of something." She watched James search her face. He shrugged his shoulders, and ran his hands through his hair awkwardly.

"sure."

He sat next to her on the couch, and leaned forward to pour out two mugs of tea.

Lily smiled at him, "Milk? Sugar?"

James added two lumps and a wedge of lemon into one mug and handed it to Lily. A blush fell over Lily's cheeks. "You know what I like in my tea?"

James looked mortified. He ran his hand through his hair and scratched at the back of his neck. "Uhh well. You know, we've had a lot of meals together over the years."

An awkward pause filled the room, and then Lily started laughing. She couldn't contain herself. The absurdity of the situation was overwhelming. James Potter, James let-me-show-you-how-macho-I-am-Potter, knew how she liked her tea. Lily's stomach hurt from the laughing. She looked through her tears at James, who was also laughing. When she finally caught her breath she apologized. She wasn't sure if it was the lateness of the day, or the bizarreness of the whole situation, that after six years of being annoyed with James Potter, she was sharing a flat with him, and that she wanted to be his friend, Lily broke into another fit of giggles, and James followed suit. After several minutes of breaking into giggles, Lily finally forced herself to stop laughing - her stomach hurt too much. James scrubbed his hands over his eyes.

"Godrick, it feels so fucking good to laugh".

Lily smiled at him, "It does."

"Alright Evans, I'm heading to bed." James stood up and made his way toward his room.

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"Wait for me in the morning will you, before breakfast?"

"Sure thing Evans."

Lily smiled to herself, it seemed like they were going to get on as friends just fine.

The semester fell into place easily. James and Lily had a friendship for the very first time. It was easy to be friends with James. He was different this year. He didn't try to show off, or make her uncomfortable. And that was what Lily seemed to need. A friend.

Early October during breakfast in the Great Hall Lily received a letter from her mother. She gave the owl a piece of her bacon and opened the latter.

 _Dear Lily,_

 _I'm not sure if you've heard already, but Eileen passed away last night. I'm not sure if she had been unwell before, but Severus said she had died of a heart attack. The funeral is on Friday. Dad and myself are going, so if you do come, you won't have to go alone. I'm so sorry my dear, I know you loved her._

 _Take good care of yourself my darling, and let me know if you would like to come. I'll contact Professor Dumbeldore and we'll figure out the travel arrangements. I'm so sorry my love._

 _Mum_

Lily could feel her heartbeat in her ears. She read and reread the letter. Sev's mum died. Eileen Snape was dead. Her eyes burned. She blinked back tears and looked to the Slytherin table, and of course Sev wasn't sitting there. She quickly packed up her things and walked back to her dorm. She wrote a note to her mother. Her thoughts were racing. What about Sev? What would be have now. His mother was the only family he had. How would he know that he was loved? Who would care about him now? She thought about his friends. Mulciber. Wilkes. Malfoy. Lily shuddered. If anyone could help Sev rethink his decisions, rethink his friends, it was his mother. As far as she knew, his Slytherin friends were already on their way to being Death Eaters, and from the gossip around school, apparently Malfoy already was one.

Nothing changes your world like love, and death.

Maybe this was it. Maybe this was the thing that would change his mind.

Lily packed up her things and made her way to professor Dumbledore's office. As she expected there was a portkey set up to take her home. Lily grabbed the charmed goblet and arrived in her front yard. After much needed hugs and comfort from her mum and dad, Lily made her way up to her bedroom. She sat down in front of her vanity and opened up her jewelry box. She gently removed a thin gold chain with a small tear drop shaped sapphire hanging from it. She ran her fingers over the sapphire. Lily wondered if she even deserved to have this necklace anymore.

She thought of Mrs. Snape. Did she deserve to have this anymore?

At three in the morning thirteen-year-old Lily Evans was creeping through Severus Snape's bedroom window. She landed with a soft thud on his bedroom floor. She looked around his room to find that he wasn't there. She had been concerned. Sev hadn't come to see her in a few days, which could only mean that something bad had happened, probably with his parents. She waited until she knew her parents were asleep and snuck out of the house. She contemplated waiting to see if Sev would come back into the room, but something felt off. She very quietly crept to the door, opening it slowly, cringing when she heard the inevitable creek. She slowly made her way down the dark hall, her eyes struggling to adjust to the darker part of the house. Lily stopped abruptly as she walked into something hard on the floor. Looking down she started into the confused face of Severus. He was curled up in a blanket outside of his parents' bedroom.

"Sev, I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" Lily whispered.

Severus sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He ran his fingers through his long locks, and waited till his eyes adjusted to the darkness.

"Lily…what are you doing here?"

"I was worried about you. I haven't seen you in days. Are you okay?" Lily's voice was soft and warm.

"Well, there's just been all of this stuff with my parents. And I'm really scared that my dad is going to come back home and hurt my mom. So I'm sleeping out here just in case he comes back...I was thinking, I guess I'll hurt him if I have to."

Lily sat down next to him. "Well if you're sleeping out here, so am I."

Severus moved over to give Lily space. She lay down placing her head on his pillow and Sev draped his blanket to cover them both. They lay together whispering about the days past that they hadn't seen one another, eventually falling asleep curled up together.

When Eileen Snape woke up she dreaded getting out of bed. The last few days had been awful. Tobias was turning into an increasingly violent man, and these days he didn't seem to care if Severus was home or not. Poor Severus. He only spent summers at home, and still Tobias couldn't make these months less awful for him. She wondered if there was any way she could leave him. She didn't have any money, and she didn't know where she could go. Eileen hadn't had a friend in years. Sometimes when Severus was away, she was grateful even to have someone in the same house as her. Just the idea that she wasn't completely alone could be soothing to her. It wasn't a good reason to stay with Tobias, but it was the only one she had. She climbed out of bed, suddenly aware of the throbbing pains in her neck and back. Looking in the mirror she could see the bruises forming on the back of her neck. She washed her face and cleaned her teeth. Eileen unraveled her hair from the braid she slept in, the long wavy hair tumbling down her back. This would have to do to hide the bruises. She took a deep breath. She would go downstairs and make breakfast. Severus would wake up and join her. It would be a normal day. Maybe Tobias wouldn't come home. She could only hope.

Eileen opened her bedroom door to find two teenagers curled together in front of her bedroom door. Lily and Severus were curled into one another. They looked like they had fallen asleep talking to one another. Eileen stood in the door for a few moments watching them. How happy she was that Severus had someone. A best friend. Someone to confide with. Someone who would understand him.

Eileen felt like a terrible mother. She would often find little Severus asleep in front of her bedroom door the morning after her and Tobias were in a fight. Severus, as small as he was even back then, always felt protective of her. How much of a failure had she been that her child was trying to protect her? And now Severus was thirteen. And the girl he loved his whole life had joined him for guard duty too. At least the two of them had each other. Eileen and Tobias may not have been good parents she thought, but at least Severus would have a loving life with this girl. He would know friendship, and love, and comfort. And really, that's all that mattered. Severus would have a good life. And later, later it wouldn't matter that she wasn't the best mum. Because he would have a life full of what he deserved.

Eileen leaned down and placed on a hand on Lily's shoulder, gently patting her awake. Lily slowly opened her eyes. Eileen slowly helped her to her feet.

"Do your parents know where you are Lily?" Eileen's voice was soft. Lily shook her head no. Eileen took Lily's hand and lead her to the bedroom.

"I just want to give you something before you go home."

Lily rubbed her eyes, and followed Mrs. Snape to her vanity.

"I want to give you something. It has been in my family for a very long time. It's been passed down from daughter to daughter to daughter." She opened the bottom drawer and pulled out a small circular white box. She placed the box in Lily's hands and smiled at her.

Lily opened the box to see a beautiful delicate necklace. It was a thin chain, but very detailed. The pendant was deep blue tear drop shaped stone.

"It's a sapphire."

Lily had never owned anything this valuable before. Of course her mother had nice things like this, but she hadn't been old enough to receive a present like this yet.

"But...how come you're giving it to me Mrs. Snape?"

Eileen sat on the bed and gestured for Lily to join her, which she did. "Well, I would like to keep this necklace in the family, and you're Severus' best friend. If anyone has proven themselves to deserve this heirloom, it's you."

Lily stared hard at the gift. She wanted to say something but she didn't know what. "Thank you."

Eileen smiled at Lily. "No my darling, thank you. Thank you for being such a wonderful person to my son. I know he cares about you so much. And I want you to know that I consider you my family."

Lily beamed at Mrs. Snape.

"You better go now Lily, I don't want you parents to be worried about you." Lily nodded and hugged Mrs. Snape. She quietly left the room, trying not to wake Sev.  
Eileen watched the girl leave, knowing she had given the most valuable thing she owned to the girl who deserved it most.

Lily blinked back tears. Would Mrs. Snape still think Lily deserved the necklace. Would she still consider her part of the family? She hadn't spoken to Severus in months. She put the necklace on, and looked in the vanity mirror. She looked tired. Her long red hair in soft waves down her back. The sapphire shimmered, blue and gold which looked so right against her pale slightly freckled skin. Looking into the reflection of her own eyes in the mirror Lily contemplated herself. She didn't really know the person looking back. So much of her relationship with Severus had been a constant. She'd never had to know herself without him. Everything felt too unfamiliar. Moving away from the vanity Lily looked for something to wear other than her uniform. She pulled on an oversized green sweater and some well-loved faded blue jeans. She needed to talk to Severus.

Lily walked the familiar path from her house to the lake. She had never walked this path before in the fall. It felt different. The leaves on the trees were beautiful and warm, gold hues, oranges, and reds. Despite the sadness in her life, the forest made her feel warm. It was a hug for the soul. She expected the walk to feel lonely without Sev. She certainly was alone, but perhaps not lonely. As she approached the lake, she could see their tree in the distance. And the form of a man sitting against it. It all felt unfamiliar. Her tree, their tree, she had never seen it without it's green. As she walked closer she could see that Severus was wearing his white uniform dress shirt and black pants. His green tie abandoned a few feet away. He watched her as she approached him. She stood in front of him. As much as Lily knew that she needed to speak to him, now that she was here, she didn't know what to say. Lily carefully looked at Severus. He looked tired. So tired. His face was paler than usual. His hair was greasy. His eyes were rimmed with red. Lily didn't know. She didn't know if she was welcome. She didn't know if he hated her. She didn't know. She cautiously walked toward him, his eyes on her the whole time, and she sat down next to him.

"I'm sorry" Lily's voice was quiet.

Severus covered his face with his hands, "I know. I don't know what I'll do without her."

"I know Sev." She placed her hand on his arm. "I know."

Lily climbed into his lap and wrapped her arms around him. Severus wrapped himself around her, muffling his sobs into her stomach. They sat there together like that for an hour. Eventually Lily stood up, she noticed the look of fear in Sev's eyes, and she extended her arm out to him, he took her hand and stood up.

They walked back through the woods and toward Lily's house, hand in hand. When they arrived, Lily called out for her parents, neither seemed to be home. She led Sev downstairs to the basement.

"Why don't you take a shower, and I'll grab you some clothes and something to eat?"

Severus nodded his head, and pulled off his shirt. Before it occurred to Lily to look away, she couldn't help but notice that Severus looked more like a grown man than he ever had before. His shoulders were broad, and his chest defined. His arms were strong and lean. He looked different than the last time she had seen him without a shirt on. Before Lily could turn around Severus grabbed her hand, "come with me, will you?" Abandoning every rational reason she had not to, Lily followed him to the bathroom. She closed the door behind her, and Severus walked over to her and pulled her sweater over her head. He took in the sight before him. Lily wearing a light pink lace bra, a delicate gold chain with a dark blue stone. He took her left hand and kissed the top, then kissed the palm, holding it up to his face. Severus stepped in purposefully and kissed her. He kissed her hard. Her arms wrapped themselves around his neck, as he ran his large hands up and down her bare sides. It had been so long since their bare sin had touched one another. Severus pulled Lily in closer. He kissed her hungrily, and she kissed him right back. Lily unbuckled his belt, and pulled his pants down off his waist. Severus undid the clasp on her bra. He broke the kiss, and looked down to her, her bra falling off her breasts. Lily undid her jeans, she stood in front of him in her black satin panties. Severus stood there greedily taking in her body. Her long red hair flowing down her body, ending at her lower back. Her creamy skin, freckles fading and light since the summer was over. The necklace she wore extended down her neck to sit right between her breasts. And her breasts. Her pert little rosebud nipples, his eyes trailed down to her soft but flat stomach, her perfect navel, and the wispy strawberry blond curls he knew were under those sexy black satin panties she wore. And her legs, her long lean legs, perfectly kissed with light freckles. How Severus loved this body.

Lily stepped closer to Sev, she pushed his boxers down his legs, and he stepped closer to her. Lily was amazed looking at Severus' body. He was lean and more muscular than she'd ever seen him. She ran her fingers over his toned stomach, and down his very aroused hardness. Severus moaned but moved her hands away. He kneeled in front of her steadying himself by placing his hands on her hips. He hooked his fingers into either side of her panties and pulled them down revealing her wetness. He pulled the panties down her legs, and pulled her legs further apart. He could smell her arousal and it was driving him mad. He kissed her wetness. The taste of her was everything; sweet, salty, musky, warm, addicting. Placing one hand on her bum, he pushed her into his mouth. He ran his tongue over her sensitive bud. Lily placed her hands in his hair, lightly grabbing handfuls. Severus lapped his tongue over her bundle of nerves over and over, the taste of her driving him mad. He heard her voice. "Let's get in the shower baby, its cold." Sev nodded his head and stood up. He turned on the shower and adjusted the faucet until the water was warm. He grabbed her hand and pulled her in. Lily and Severus stood in the shower facing one another. The warm water pouring over their bodies. Emerald eyes met obsidian eyes, searching one another. Severus placed his hand on Lily's face. He leaned down and kissed her again. Lily kissed him hard, wrapping her arms around his neck. Sev moved himself closer to her, and pulled her legs up around him. He entered her and pushed her up against the shower wall. Lily moaned into his mouth. Severus thrust into her over and over. Their bodies melting into one another. Having Severus inside Lily again felt amazing. He fit her perfectly. Lily moaned and kissed him, their tongues dancing together. Lily loved him so much, she could feel it intensely every time he thrust into her. Lily broke the kiss and looked into his face, water pouring down them both, "I love you". Severus thrust into her harder, he could feel them both about to climax. He carefully shifted her weight so one of his arms held her up, and used the other to gentle rub at her bundle of nerves with his long fingers. Lily mewed loudly as she released, and Severus finished inside her. They stood like that for a few moments, Severus holding Lily up, her long legs wrapped around his waist. He slowly and gently pulled himself out of her, and put her down.

They spent the rest of their shower cleaning each other up. They stepped out of the shower, and Severus grabbed a fluffy towel and started drying Lily off. He kneeled in front of her and dried off her legs. He looked up into her face, "I love you too". Lily looked at him seriously and considered his words. She kneeled down and kissed him softly.

They spent the rest of the afternoon watching TV in Lily's basement. When Lily's parents returned Lily promptly asked them if Sev could stay at their place for the weekend. Mr. and Mrs. Evans of course, had no problem with this. Severus could have the guest room.

Lily was a bit overwhelmed with her feelings. It felt good, it felt amazing to be with Sev again, like her heart could feel full again. But Mrs. Snape dying was painful. She had loved Mrs. Snape. And Lily knew that she had had an unhappy life. It was a confusing feeling, to know that Mrs. Snape was sure that she would end up with Sev, she was sure beyond doubt. And still Lily felt confused. As natural as it was being with him, it was not as if they had talked about anything. He was still branded as a Death Eater, and she was still against Voldemort. Maybe, just maybe losing his mum would help him put things into perspective.

After heading to bed, Lily waited an hour before sneaking into the guest room. She crawled into bed with him, snuggling into his side.

"I don't want tomorrow to come."

"I know Sev. It'll be a proper way to say goodbye though."

His voice was so small, she might have missed it, "I don't want to say goodbye".

Lily held Sev's hand, and fell asleep shortly after.

Lily awoke to the sound of birds chirping. The clock on the nightstand read 5:30. She looked over at Sev who was awake. She smiled a genuine Lily smile at him. Lily straddled him and kissed him softly. They made lovely urgently, as the sun streamed through the windows warming their bodies. Afterward Severus put on his clothes and kissed Lily softly, "I'll see you at the funeral." Severus left. Lily snuggled back into the bed, cherishing the sheets smelling like him. Not wanting to lose the feeling of loving Severus Snape, and being loved back.

Hours later Lily dressed in a simple black dress with capped sleeves and a knee length flowing skirt. She adjusted the necklace so it sat daintily at her collarbone. She ate breakfast with her parents and they walked together the short distance to the church. There were only a few people at Eileen Snape's funeral. Her husband, her son, the Evans' and a few other people from the neighborhood. Severus sat and watched as his mother was lowered into the ground. He had never felt so low. He wondered if there would ever be a reason to go to his house again without his mother. He knew his father only attended the funeral to keep up appearances. His mother deserved better than this small service. He was never able to give her what she deserved. He had failed her. His face burned from the nonstop tears. If it was possible to cry himself into nothing, he would have.

After the service Severus stayed sitting. Lily came by to ask if she could stay with him, he gave her a tight smile and promised he would find her later. Severus sat next to his mother's grave for the rest of the day. The chairs and funeral decor were cleaned up within minutes. To a passerby, no one would have known that a funeral had been there just earlier that day. And Severus thought that was fitting, no one had really payed attention to Eileen Snape in life, and in death, of course it would be the same. But Severus loved her, what would he do without her.

"I'm going to leave now mum. I'm sorry I never got to make your life better. I wish I could say that I'll make you proud, but somehow I just don't think I will." Severus wiped the tears from his face, and walked off into the night.

At four in the morning Lily stirred awake, she heard her bedroom door open. Severus walked into the room. He was wearing a long travelling cloak. He kneeled down beside her bed. Lily sat up and moved close to him. He laced his fingers through her hair and pulled her in for a kiss. It was a kiss filled with emotion, and Lily started to feel frightened. Severus let go of her and took her small hands within his own.

"I have loved you my whole life, Lily. I love you so much it hurts my heart, I can barely stand it."

His black eyes bore into her green.

Lily, afraid of where the conversation was going jumped in before he could.

"Severus, it's not too late. I love you. We can have a whole life together." Lily sounded as if she were pleading.

"Lily, you have to understand, I don't…I couldn't deserve you. I don't deserve you."

Lily wasn't going to let him do this. She blinked back tears.

"Sev, everyone knows we are supposed to be together. Everyone knows it. Even your mum Sev, she knew it better than anyone. Think about her Sev, she would want us to be happy."

Sev framed her face with her hands, smoothing back her hair, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever touched, and I know that eventually I will ruin you too." Severus stood up and stepped back from her.

Lily could feel her heart breaking, again. "What about your mum Sev, this would break her heart."

"I could never make her happy while she was alive, and now…now it just doesn't matter, whatever happens. She'll never know. I've made all of the choices she would have never wanted anyways. I cannot be redeemed. I can't turn back now Lily, I don't think you'll understand. I'm sorry."

Severus started toward the door. Lily grabbed his hand and pulled him back. She looked into his eyes. Something had changed in him. Something had changed so much in him that love wouldn't be able to fix it. Lily reached up and removed the necklace she was wearing, she handed it to him.

"Your mother gave this to me, you should have it. It's a family heirloom." Severus used both hands to wipe the tears from her face. He leaned down and placed the softest kiss on her lips.

"It's yours Lily, she gave it to you. I could never deserve it." Severus turned from her and left the room.

Lily watched him leave. She felt broken. She watched through the window as Severus walked down the street and apparated away.

Only two things can change a person forever, love, and death.


	14. Winter

In a change of season Lily started again. She wouldn't let her broken heart stop her from living her life. There was a life without Severus and she was going to live it. No more crying. No more wasting away. She would be happy again - as hard as it was for her to believe it, she told it to herself like a mantra, she would be happy again. She looked to the coming winter as the cleanse she needed for her soul. October was one of the hardest periods of Lily's life. If it wasn't for James, she may not have eaten a thing. He noticed when she didn't come to meals, he'd bring her something; a coffee, a croissant, a sandwich. Something. And he was something. Considerate. Kind. Sometimes sweet.

Lily heard her bedroom door open. She had been dreading getting out of bed. She saw the murky November sky and promptly pressed her face into her pillow, shut her eyes and demanded sleep come back to her.

She heard slow, deliberate footsteps toward her bed. "You can come to breakfast you know, he won't be there". James' voice was quiet and calm.

Lily turned her back toward James. "You couldn't know for sure". Lily's voice was strained and low.

"Actually, I do." James gently started to pull the comforter away from Lily. "Him and a few Slytherins only show up to meals three times a week. And none of those meals are breakfast. I've been paying attention, just for you. You can trust me silly Lily. Now wake up please. I need a breakfast date". James' voice was playful.

Lily slowly pulled herself out of bed. She stood up and very seriously contemplated getting back in bed. James hands placed themselves on her shoulders and guided her to the bathroom.

"You want breakfast, I promise. You want coffee. Yes coffee. Remember coffee Lily? It's misses you so much!" If James didn't seem cute to her in that moment, she would have been annoyed.

She remerged from the bathroom, dressed in her uniform, ready for the day. She took at moment to look at James. He was sitting on their couch waiting for her. Strumming his fingers. James was tall, even when he was sitting down. He looked up as she walked toward him. He was sweet. He wore a gentle expression on his face. It was an expression she was becoming familiar with. He handed her her backpack, and they walked together to the Great Hall for breakfast. They sat together at the Gryffindor table, though she saw her fellow Gryffindors every day in class, it wasn't the same as eating together. It was safe to say, she was happy to be in their company again. Sitting between James and Remus, and chatting with Sirius and Peter, she felt normal again.

It continued this way for the coming weeks. Lily, who always considered herself a summer girl, suddenly saw herself coming alive in the winter. There was something so romantic about the winter. The way the snow was a blanket for the earth. Late nights in front of the fireplace. She even enjoyed the walk to Hogsmede in the winter. She went with Alice, Frank, James, Sirius, and Peter. Remus was tucked away sleeping for the day, it was fresh after a full moon. She had always spent Hogsmede days with Sev, but she couldn't think about it anymore. Instead she embraced the change, and after a few hours was comforted by how relaxing a day spent with all her friends was. After a few butter beers at the Three Broomsticks, Alice and Frank decided to take a long walk back to the castle alone. Sirius had gone back to Zonko's to get a few more things that he said he wouldn't dare buy around head boy and girl. Lily didn't find this excuse at all believable, but didn't say much about it. Following suit, Peter made himself scarce. Lily was nervous about being left alone with James. Though it was a different kind of nervous. She wanted to be there with him. She had a feeling something was going to happen between them. And she was starting to understand that there was a part of her that was dying to have it happen, while simultaneously a very serious part of her did not want anything like that to happen between them, a part of her that belonged to someone else. Lily had only ever known recklessness with Sev. What would it be like to be that free with someone else. Could she be reckless with someone else? With James? The thoughts racing through her head were drown out with James wrapping his arm around her shoulders. She snuggled in closer to him. She tilted her head up to look at him. James looked at her with so much tenderness. He placed his hand on the side of her face. Lily closed her eyes and leaned in closer to James. Without thinking she sharply moved out of James' embrace. Her mind was filled with thoughts of Severus. His obsidian eyes. The taste of his skin. The feeling of their connected bodies. The connection. The completeness. She felt as though the wind was knocked out of her. Lily opened her eyes to see a confused and hurt looking James staring at her.

"I'm sorry" she mumbled.

"It's okay Lily." He grabbed a few napkins and mopped up the butter beer that Lily hadn't seen fall over. "I don't know what I was thinking, I'm sorry."

James finished cleaning up the drink, and looked over at Lily who hadn't said anything. She looked as though she was in shock. James put on his cloak and handed Lily her own. She sat there unmoving.

It was too familiar. Would it always be like this? Would feeling always remind her of Sev? He had chosen it, them, all of it, over her, and now she was trying to feel something for someone else, and Sev still stood in the way. All the feelings she tried not to have since he left her were sitting in her body. Aching. She looked up at James. How long had he been standing there? She stood up, feeling very small, and put on her cloak. James took her hand and led her out of the three broomsticks. They walked together hand in hand to the gates of Hogwarts. Lily stopped and turned to James.

"I don't want to hurt you".

James smiled down at her, "you won't".

"I will, I already have." Lily felt like crying.

"Lily, I have waited for you, for seven years. A little longer wouldn't hurt much".

Lily gathered up what strength she had left and decided to have this conversation. As much as she had learned to embrace the relationship she had built with James, she didn't want to give him false hope, especially if any romantic feelings she might have would be laced entirely in Severus.

"I don't want to tell you that things might change. Because they might not. And I really like you James, but it hurts to much for me to try again right now."

James' face was as serious as she'd ever seen it. "If waiting is what you need, I'll wait. I think what I need to know though, is…if you have feelings for me. If you don't I will understand. And we can be friends. Lily, I never thought I would ever get to be friends with you, the way we are now. And I'm happy, grateful even, to be friends with you. Though, if there is a part of you that wants something more, with me, then I promise I won't try anything, or ask you to consider it until you're ready. Whenever that is. I'd just like to know, if it's something you might want."

"I … want this. And more than this" she said gesturing to the space between them. "I know I have feelings for you James. I just can't see it happening now. And I don't want you to wait, because I don't know when things will change." Lily stared at the ground. She felt like a coward. Wanting him, and not wanting him at the same time.

"That's all I needed to hear. Now let's go get some hot chocolate and warm up, eh?" James tone went from serious to playful faster than she could have imagined. He placed his hand lightly on the small of her back and they walked together back to their dorm.

The month flew by. Lily was feeling happier every day. Time with her friends was doing her so much good. Though, she was dreading the Christmas break. The last time she was home, she had made love to Severus. He had broken up with her in the guest bedroom. The house was full of the worst moments of her life. She sighed heavily. She would try to make the best of the situation. Her first birthday without Sev was coming up. She had invited all her friends to the party. She'd never invited her magical friends to her birthday party before. But things were changing and she ought to change too.

Her birthday party was everything she could have imagined. A house full of friends. She was nervous though. She hadn't been drunk around James since the incident at the Three Broomsticks, and that time they almost kissed.

Her mum had done a beautiful job with the decorations. There was a huge frosted cake. As soon as her parents left the party the alcohol had been brought out. Lily was happily drunk, alongside Mary and Remus. James and Sirius, it seemed had more tolerance for alcohol. James sat down next to her and placed a small neatly wrapped package in her lap. He moved his mouth close to her ear and whispered, "open it please". Lily shivered. She carefully opened the package, it revealed a velvet maroon box. Inside the box was a delicate gold bracelet, it had several rubies hanging off of it. It was intricate and dainty. James took the bracelet from her, and fastened it around her left wrist, then brought her hand to his mouth and kissed it.

"It's beautiful James. Thank you."

James smiled at her, and adjusted the glasses on his face. With a look of determination on his face, he laced his hand through hers. Lily smiled and squeezed his hand.

Lily's mom came in to take a picture of the group, and Lily noticed that James was very careful not to let go of her hand. She liked it. She didn't think she would, but she did. And suddenly, she had a few more thoughts, of other things she thought she might like doing with James.

The crowd eventually moved downstairs to the basement, and with it went Lily and James. The drinking and dancing lasted well into the morning. A very tired James plopped onto the sofa, pulling Lily into his lap. Lily whose hair was messy, and eyes sparking fell willingly into James. He wrapped his arms around her, resting his forehead on hers. "I'm going to fall asleep in a second".

Lily laughed, "well it only takes a second to get to my room". She stood up pulling James to his feet, and led him up two flights of stairs to her bedroom.

She sat in her bed and pulled James into it. "Okay now you can sleep". James laughed and stretched out, he pulled off his sweater. They fell asleep, Lily still in her emerald green dress, and James in his dress pants, and white t-shirt. Sometime during the night, the two had managed to get tangled up in one another.

Lily awoke to the sound of a beating heart. She snuggled closer the unfamiliar body underneath her. She felt arms wrap tight around her. She tried to recall the events of the night before. She remembered a very drunk version of herself leading an equally drunk and adorable James Potter up to her bedroom. She recalled falling asleep, but suddenly was very worried about whether anything had happened between them. Lily sat up. She was wearing her party dress. She was more or less sitting on James. He was laying in her bed, wearing a rumpled white t-shirt and his dress pants - oh and dress shoes.

"Hi" Lily had never heard James' first thing in the morning voice before. It was very gruff, but still friendly. She smiled.

"Hi"

"How are you cute first thing in the morning?" James sat up in her bed, and started to look around for his glasses.

"Well that's ridiculous, you obviously can't see without your glasses!"

James laughed.

"Are your parents going to mind if they see me leaving your room?" Lily thought for a moment. She had absolutely no idea.

"I honestly don't know James. I don't know what they'd think either… also, I'm not too sure what to think. Did anything happen last night?"

James awkwardly put the glasses back onto his face, and looked at her. "Umm I mean, if you mean anything other than sleep, no". He looked entirely embarrassed by the situation, which in turn made Lily blush.

"I'm gonna hop out of your window, and head home. If you don't mind though, I'd like to go out tomorrow night, if you want to?" Lily nodded and watched as James smiled at her, and then literally jumped out the window.

The next day Lily was anxious and excited. She played with the bracelet on her wrist. It was beautiful. She was sure it was happening. Tonight, would be her first official date with James. She put on a fitted black dress. It had thin straps, and was knee length. This was a dress she was saving for a special occasion. She blow dried her hair, it fell long and thick down her back. She wing-tipped her eyeliner. Looking in the mirror, she didn't look like herself. She looked older, sexier, dangerous even. She'd never thought of herself in these terms before. She put on black knee high heeled boots, and made her way downstairs. James was waiting for her by the door. He was wearing a dark blue vest over a black dress shirt, and dark jeans. He looked like he had put a great deal of time into styling his hair, it almost looked neat. James really knew how to fill out his muggle clothes. Lily was embarrassed by her own thoughts. James looked up at Lily walking down the stairs and blushed. She walked up to him and took his hand.

"You look beautiful". The contrast of her emerald eyes and brilliant red hair to the black dress was stunning. If James hadn't been nervous before, he was now.

They left the house, and walked down the dark street. "I didn't know where you wanted to go. I was thinking we could walk somewhere. I'd like to see the places around here. Maybe there's a muggle pub?"

"I've never actually been to one of the muggle pubs around here. But I know where one is."

Lily led the way. They walked down the street to an old stone building. She led James inside. She felt a little over dressed, but it wasn't about the place, right? It was about the company. She wanted to look nice for James, so it would be fine that they were in a dusty old pub. They sat at a table in the corner, far away from the bar, and James left her to go get drinks. Lily was enjoying herself, James was funny and sweet, and when she was with him, she was just with him. He made her feel safe. After emptying her pint, Lily went to grab the next round. As the bar tender looked busy Lily sat at the bar waiting. She felt a hand on the small of her back, she turned to look into the face a very tall, broad man. He had dark brown hair, and hazel eyes. He must have been in his forties.

"And what is a pretty little thing like you doing in a bar like this?" His voice was low and dark. It was obvious he had been drinking, the smell was harsh in Lily's face.

"C'mon, I think you'd have a real nice time with me. I live just down the street." The more he spoke the more Lily started to register who he was. Hitting on her in a small bar in Cokeworth was Tobias Snape. Lily leaned away from him.

"Umm Mr. Snape, are you alright?"

Tobias scrunched his face in confusion. His expression grew darker when the realization seemed to hit him. "ohh, the little Evans girl. You sure grew up didn't you." He rubbed his hand up and down Lily's back. Lily got to her feet and tried to walk away. His hand firmly grabbed her shoulder and he pulled her toward him. Lily's petite frame was no match for Tobias. He moved his face close to hers and spoke in a very low tone, "I see how it is, you'll only get in the sack with that stupid son of mine, but not with me? What's that about? You didn't come here dressed like that for nothing did you baby?". Lily could feel the colour drain from her face. She was terrified. Lily couldn't move. Tobias stared hard into her face. A flash of something violent flashed across his face. Then as quickly as it happened, he loosened his grip on her, and turned and left the bar. Lily stood there. She couldn't do anything. A few minutes passed, and she found James in front of her. He looked concerned. "Lily? Are you okay?"

Lily didn't say a thing. Sensing that something had happened, James led her back to their table. When Lily started to shake, James grabbed her coat, and they walked together back to her house, his arm fastened securely around her shoulders. When they arrived in front of her door, James asked her again if she was okay, Lily couldn't speak.

"Do you want me to come inside? Can I do anything?"

Lily shook her head no. She turned and went inside her house.

Lily climbed into bed and took her boots off. She didn't know what was happening. It was as if every part of her childhood had been ruined. As if these old places she cherished, this town, this house, her lake, had no good memories left for her, and if she stayed any longer, they could only offer her disappointment.

Sev's dad had only ever been kind to her. He liked that she was muggle born. They could talk about regular muggle things. She knew he was vile to Eileen, and to Sev, but never to her. The tears flowed heavily from her eyes. She felt betrayed but she wasn't sure why. She wanted to see Sev. But what would come of it? He didn't want her. He chose otherwise. She wanted to know that it was still the two of them against the world. But it wasn't. Sev wouldn't protect her anymore, and she knew it. She could feel it in every inch of her being. This was life without him.

Three weeks into February Lily found herself pacing in the dungeons. She didn't know why, but she wanted to see Severus. She didn't know what she was going to say to him. They had become perfect at avoiding one another. Not one accidental run in, not one meal eaten in the same room. Nothing. She was sure though, that if he knew she was looking for him, he would meet with her. After an hour, she saw him turn the corner toward the entrance of the dorms.

"Sev?"

He turned around at looked at her. He looked so very different than the last time she saw him. He was thin, very thin. His hair was greasy. He looked tired. He walked toward her. When he was close enough she turned around and walked down the hall and toward an empty classroom. Sev followed her inside and closed the door behind him. They stood facing one another. His face was hard.

"Are you okay?" The words were kind, but his voice was cold.

"I really wanted to see you Sev. I didn't know if you'd see me", Lily's voice trembled.

Sev scratched his neck, "well, what did you want to say?"

"I don't know Sev. Everything has changed so much. I just wanted to see you."

Severus sighed and turned and started toward the door.

"I saw your dad", Lily's voice was hollow.

Severus stopped, and turned around. Lily's face was pale, and she was crying, one hand covering her mouth. Severus didn't know what to do. His eyes searched her. Did something happen? Was she okay? "What happened?" he barely got out.

Lily was sobbing. "…nnnothing. Sev…everything has …changed". Lily felt a throbbing pain in her chest, as she wracked out sobs. This was it. She needed him to know it. Everything had changed. He may have left her, but now she was leaving him. She wasn't waiting. She didn't know that she had been waiting for Sev, but she was. Hoping something would change. Hoping something would bring him back to her. But here she was, with no wait left in her. The love was still there, but there wasn't any space for it anymore. It couldn't grow here, in this world where Severus and Lily couldn't find one another anymore.

Severus stood watching her, unable to go near her. Unable to touch her. She was right, everything had changed. She didn't belong to him anymore. The enormity of this was too painful for him. Severus turned and headed for the door. Without thinking, his mind betrayed him. The thought loud and clear made its way from his mind to hers. This would be the last time he would ever touch her.

"I'll always belong to you Lily" his thought echoed softly through her, "always".


End file.
